


Love Is A Ten Letter Word [Vol. 5]

by dreamofmetonight



Series: Love Is A Ten Letter Word [5]
Category: P!ATD - Fandom, Panic At The Disco, Panic! at the Disco, PatD
Genre: Amorephine, Angst, Blood, Blowjobs, Brendon Urie - Freeform, Brent Wilson - Freeform, Car Sex, Cheating, Clothes, Crying, Death, Don't Enter Unless You Have Tissues, Drugs, Dry Humping, Emo Elmo, Emotional, Eurie, Falling In Love, Gabe Saporta - Freeform, Gay, Guilt, Guns, Gunshot, Guyliner, Heartbreak, Hospitals, IVs, Illness, Jon Walker - Freeform, Las Vegas, Lots of Crying, Love, M/M, Music, P!ATD, PSTD, Panic at the Disco - Freeform, Panic! at the Disco - Freeform, Parties, Rape, Rosevest, Ryan Ross - Freeform, Sickness, Spencer Smith - Freeform, Tissues will be needed, Unacceptance, Unaccepted, Violence, Weed, William Beckett - Freeform, fashion - Freeform, handjobs, patd - Freeform, patrick stump - Freeform, pete wentz - Freeform, smoothie hut, sorry - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-09
Updated: 2014-04-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 05:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 21
Words: 29,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1292485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamofmetonight/pseuds/dreamofmetonight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Ryan Ross and I love Brendon Urie.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Writing

**Chapter 1: Writing**

* * *

                “You and William do make a really cute couple,” I tell Spencer as I’m unrolling a sleeping bag on the floor of his bedroom.

                “Have you seen you and Brendon though? There’s like an invisible thread between you two. Me and William had almost had to unsuction you from him,” he responds back. “Me and William only got together—not really together we haven’t even had our first date—today so we’ve got a while to go”

                I shrug, “Me and Brendon haven’t had a first date. We haven’t dressed up and gone on a date yet. I don’t think it really matters to us. We’re happy. We’ve only been together for two weeks but we’ve already been through a shitload of stuff”

                “It feels like longer though, doesn’t it? Like a month at least?”

                “Every second doesn’t feel like enough with him. I know that I sound like a gir—“

                “Oh come on—we both know that we’re bottoms. We’re the girls in the relationships”

                “Speak for yourself, Spencer,” I grab a bright pink blanket from his closet and throw it over the sleeping bag. Of course his blanket would be pink. That’s why him and William get along so well.

                “You’re the bottom aren’t you?” He grins.

                “It’s mostly been handjobs and blowjobs bu—“

                “I knew it! William owes me one handjob now!”

                I raise my eyebrow, “You were betting sexual favors over whether or not I’m a bottom?”

                “Like you haven’t wondered about it in the past with other relationships,” Spencer rolls his eyes.

                “I—“ I bite my lip. “I haven’t been with anyone besides Brendon and Jon so I wouldn’t know”

                “Shit,” he sighs and fluffs his stained pillows (please tell me it’s mayo). “I had always assumed that you would have been at least with other people after Jon especially after I found you at the party”

                “I don’t remember a lot of those parties and what happens at them. The day that I met Brendon I woke up with vomit stains and piss stains on me. William gave me new pants and the brownies that were drugged. I could have been with other people—I don’t know” I shrug my shoulders and plug in my cell phone with the charger that Spencer let me use.

                “Does Brendon know about the parties and what you used to do?”

                “To be honest with you—I’m afraid to tell him. I know that he isn’t the most wholesome in the world because of his parents—don’t tell William by the way—but I don’t think that he did what I used to do. I’m afraid that it could change the way that he looks at me” I’m word vomiting again.

                “You know how your birthday is coming up and Brendon wants to throw you a huge party for it?” I nod. “You should make him something—a belated or early birthday gift or something—you can tell him about what you’ve done in the past and everything that happened before he came into your life. You two have a problem with getting physical before telling each other everything about each other. Find a way to tell him everything about you in the best way possible,” Spencer spills out with a shrug of his shoulders. I can see why Jon cheated on me with him. He’s smart and notices everything.

                “He likes my singing”

                “So write a song for him. He might be a top but writing a song for him will probably make him cry and love you even that much more”

                I chuckle, “I don’t know if I can manage more of his love”

                “He’s like a giant puppy do—speaking of dog—got a call back from Petco,” he pulls his cell phone out of his pocket and stares down at it. “They said that they processed our application and they we’ll hear back in three to five business days. We should have just gone to the SPCA”

                “We could still go tomorrow before we go to visit Brendon”

                “William said that Brendon is going to be busy planning your party tomorrow so we can’t visit him for most of the day”

                “That’s not fair!” I protest and crawl under the sleeping bag with a pout.

                “You shouldn’t have agreed to the party then,” Spencer says with a chuckle and throws a notepad and a pencil onto my lap. “You’ll have the whole day tomorrow to write then”

                “I haven’t written anything in two years” I stare down at the pencil and the black spiral notebook. I used to be really good with writing. But it’s like a faucet that has turned itself off.

                “Try again. A lot of changed since those two years,” he lets out a large yawn. “Is it alright if I keep the light on? I’m a twenty two year old man who hates the dark”

                “Go ahead,” I grab the pencil and open the notebook. The blue lines stare back at me in protest.

                “You have almost two weeks—don’t sweat it too hard, Ryan,” Spencer answers and climbs into his bed. “He’ll love anything that you write even if it’s about how much you love being a bottom”

                “Oh fuck off, Spencer,” I kid.

                “Night, Ryan”

                “Goodnight, Spencer—Hope you dream all about William”

                “Trust me, I will” He quickly falls asleep without another word leaving me to stare at the notebook in frustration. It’s entirely too early to try and sleep even with the steady breathing of Spencer’s. And I can’t imagine falling asleep without Brendon next to me. It’s funny how fast you can become attached and used to your new schedule.

                I put the pencil to the paper and sketch out Brendon in my alien handwriting. Wasn’t I supposed to be writing about myself? I scribble out Brendon’s name and start on a new page. Okay, I can do this. I’ve got two weeks to write out at least one song. I used to crank out 12 songs a day. There were all about Jon bu—Jon. Of fucking course.

                I put the pencil to the paper and write out—is it still me who makes you sweat. The words look full between the now bendable blue lines. You’re my bitch now blue lines.

Am I who you think about in bed? This will be easier than I thought. Jon and Brendon have one thing in common—they both cheated. Brendon was under Amorephine but Jon wasn’t. Jon didn’t care about me. Not really.

                I put the pencil to the paper and write out—and how I hope to God he was worth it. Me and Spencer are so different I don’t know how to compare us. Neither of us are better than the other. So he was worth it. And god I’m so happy that you did cheat on me. Knowing that you died not as a perfect saint makes me being with Brendon so much easier and happier. If you were alive we wouldn’t have been happy. I would found out about you and Spencer and it would be like you weren’t alive. Spencer and Brendon are right. You would have found some way to kill yourself. It’s not my fault it’s your own god damn fault for what happened. Your parents not accepting you might have not been your fault but everything else was.

                I look down at the notepad the page now filled with scribbled words and my hand which is shaking. I just wrote my first song. And god damn does it feel good.


	2. Ceiling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Did you get any sleep at all last night?” Spencer asks me as he brews a pot of coffee which I desperately need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late response, my grandmother is in the hospital, and I was visiting her yesterday.   
> And then mother nature popped up.. So yeah... Plus I'm working on a new story called Firewall!   
> Enjoy this chapter and the bromance between Spencer and Ryan!

**Chapter 2: Ceiling**

* * *

                “Did you get any sleep _at all_ last night?” Spencer asks me as he brews a pot of coffee which I desperately need. After I finished my first song I couldn’t stop. I wrote five more songs after that and didn’t fall asleep until four am. Spencer woke me up at nine am. I got five hours of sleep which normally was more than enough sleep for me. But sleeping in with Brendon had me spoiled.

                “Not much—wrote six songs last night—went to bed at four am,” I grumble as I wrap my blanket around my shoulders. It’s unusually cold today.

                “When I had said that you should write songs I didn’t mean for you to kill yourself in the process,” he places his hands down on his black and white speckled counter and stares at me. “You still have a while to go till your birthday. I’m sure that Brendon will be getting you something too”

                I groan and kick my feet at his counter from my chair, “I don’t want anything. He’s already planning me a party, wants me to move in with him, and told me that I can’t work.” Well, he did while he was still at home. “It’s like he won’t let me pay for anything”

                “Well—hold on,” he says and then walks towards the cracking wall. He bangs on the wall, pieces of the ceiling now suddenly falling down, “Keep it down!” he yells and then walks back over towards me seeming like nothing happened. “My next door neighbors have a ‘band’,” he rolls his eyes, “and think it’s funny to practice at ten am”

                “Didn’t you use to play drums in middle school?” I raise my eyebrow and then blow on my hands in an attempt to warm them up. I need coffee—or something warm—in my body right now. “Shouldn’t you like—clean up the pieces of the ceiling?” I glance up at the green ceiling which now has white pieces hanging by invisible thread. And I thought that I lived in a shitty apartment.

                “More pieces are just going to fall later—the couple upstairs likes to get rough. I figure what’s the point of cleaning it up when more is just going to fall? I’m hoping to find somewhere else to live. Can’t afford the rent here now that Pete fired me—might move. Nevada’s too expensive,” he says with a shrug and pulls out two mugs from a yellow stained cabinet. “But yeah—I played drums a while back. I sold my drums to get first month’s rent. Look where it got me though” He chuckles sadly. “I used to love to play too. Lots of changed since then”

                “I can agree with you on that. My guitar has been wrecked for a while now until Brendon got it fixed. Haven’t gotten the inspiration—or motivation—to really write until you kicked me in the ass,” I grin at him as he puts the mugs down on the counter.

                “I’m glad that I was able to kick you in the ass,” he winks at me. “You know—you should see if you could try and record those songs with William’s equipment”

                “I don’t think William’s equipment is big enough for me,” I smirk at him.

                “I didn’t mean his penis, Ryan Ross—I meant his microphones and Garage Band. It might inspire you to make some more songs and help keep you busy while Brendon is in the hospital”

                “Would you want to record the songs with me? William’s going to be planning the party with Brendon so both of our boyfriends—congrats on William by the way—are going to busy”

                “If you could get me a set of drums and know how to work Garage Band then I would love to” He turns towards the coffee pot and pours a stream of brown liquid into my mug and then his. “I don’t have any milk so you’re going to have to drink it black”

                “That’s fine—coffee is coffee,” I grab my mug and a take sip immediately burning my tongue in the process. At least the burn masks the taste of it.

                “Can I see the songs you’ve written? We could start recording today”

                “It’s in your bedroom—we could start today if you want to”

                “Awesome,” he smiles and skips into his bedroom. I pick up my mug and take another sip and hiss. It still tastes like shit. If I’m staying here until Brendon gets better I’m going to have to get some coffee that doesn’t taste like something that a dog would shit out. I’m going to have to find a job though. Same goes with Spencer if he’s not moving.

                I don’t want to ask Brendon for money—he loves to burn his parent’s money though. I’m too proud and I don’t want him to think that I’m just with him because he’s rich. It’s part of the reason why I didn’t want him to go all out with my party and get me something expensive. His money is the farthest reason on why I’m with him. Plus I don’t really want my old nightly rituals to come back up. Obviously Spencer already knows what happens and William has guessed what happened during that time in my life. I’d be scared shitless if Brendon found out. From what Spencer has told me I must have had sex a lot more times than I thought I did. My head jerks up when I hear Spencer’s shoes on his floor.

                “So—I have some good news and bad news,” he comments as he’s staring down at the notepad while he’s walking. “Which would you like to hear first?”

                I take another sip of the coffee and hold the mug in my hands, “Bad news first. Good news always softens the blow”

                “Petco called—they told us that they want us adopt Penny,” he scratches the back of his neck and sits down next to me on the chair with a nervous smile.

                I stare at him incredulously, “Are you kidding?” He shakes his head. “What the fuck is the good news then?”

                He gives me another nervous smile, “You write good songs?” He laughs nervously. What the fuck are we going to do?


	3. Sexting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Can we just call them back and say that we can’t adopt her right now and will in two weeks?” I pace around the kitchen, my shoes almost hitting the pieces of ceiling that are on the floor.

**Chapter 3: Sexting**

* * *

                “Can we just call them back and say that we can’t adopt her right now and will in two weeks?” I pace around the kitchen, my shoes almost hitting the pieces of ceiling that are on the floor.

                “We’re her last shot—they said that if she isn’t adopted in the next few days that they’ll put her down,” Spencer taps his fingers against the counter. It must be a habit that he’s picked up since he sold his drums.

                “We can’t take her in right now. I’m living in your apartment—which no backyard or a safe place for her—and I can’t afford to take care her of her. She’s going to need food,” I count out on my fingers, “toys, vet bills, adoption fee. That’s not even including grooming”

                “How were you going to adopt her before?”

                “I was going to ask Brendon to pay for it and that I would pay him back,” I sigh and stop pacing, eventually falling into the chair next to Spencer.

                “Ryan, Brendon is your boyfriend. You don’t need to pay him back for things,” he takes a swig of his coffee and instantly spits it back into the mug, “ask him for some money for coffee too”

                “I know that he’s my boyfriend, Spencer—boy do I know—I don’t want him to think that I’m using him for his money or—“

                “You haven’t asked him for money or even acknowledged that his parents and his family are rich, have you?”

                “I’ve acknowledged it but haven’t asked for any money. He’s just spent the money on me and refused to let me fight about it. But this is different—this was supposed to be for him. And now I’m asking for him to pay something that was supposed to be for him,” I blow at my bangs and then sigh, “I just want to do something nice for him”

                “You’re writing amazing songs for him—Mad As Rabbits is amazing—and you’re supporting him through his parents coming here. It’s okay to ask for things from him. It’s what relationships are about—give and take. I gave William another chance to not land back in jail by not letting castrate Gabe. And he took my singlessness,” he grins and stares off into the distance.

                “How did it happen? It’s an odd way to get together”

                He rolls his eyes and looks back at me, “You could talk, Mr. Amorephine”

                I put my hands up into the air, “That was not my choice”

                “Yeah—yeah—so I ran into the cafeteria and no one was there expect for William and Gabe. William had Gabe up against a wall with a plastic knife and Gabe pissed his pant—“

                “Oh my god, he peed himself?”

                “Oh totally! I don’t think I’ve seen a guy more scared in his entire life! I was able to calm William down and Gabe ran off to lick his wounds. William was really upset—said that no one wanted him. And that now that you were with Brendon he didn’t have a best friend anymore. I kind of just held him—that’s when my mouth just opened and I told him that I like him and that Gabe was an asshole for doing something like that to him. William just kind of—he kissed me and everything went from through,” he smiles shyly and looks down at his mug.

                “Did he kill Brendon when he found out what happened?”

                “He was going to until he talked with him and found out that Gabe drugged him. He must have taken some of William’s stash from when he was drugging you and kept it for himself. Brendon isn’t going to tell the police—didn’t want to make things awkward for anyone”

                “Gabe should have be taught a lesson in some way”

                Spencer gives me a mischievous smile, “Want to know why I don’t have any toilet paper in my bathroom? Go check out Gabe’s place and you’ll find out why”

                “How middle school of you, Spencer”

                He shrugs, “What can I say? I’m a kid at heart”

                “You want to talk about a kid at heart? Brendon makes me watch Disney movies almost 24/7! I’ve been singing A Whole New World in the shower now and I am _not_ a soprano”

                “He reminds me of a Disney prince if a Disney prince were gay,” he takes another sip and then gags. “Yeah—we need to go to Starbucks—I’ll buy”

                “I am perfectly okay with that. We could try and sneak into the hospital and annoy our boyfriends,” I get up from my chair and pour the rest of my coffee down the sink. “Also, I’m pretty sure that there’s already been a gay Disney prince”

                “Bullshit”

                “Dude! Have you seen Kuzco’s New Groove? He’s like the Disney version of William” I put the mug into the sink and Spencer stares at me his mouth open wide.

                “I never realized that before—stop changing the subject about you and Brendon. Ask him about the dog and if he can pay for Penny and coffee. And if he knows any place that is hiri—“

                “I can’t believe I forgot! Brendon is looking for people to play in his band! You should totally audition!” I’m not surprised that I’ve forgotten about a lot of things since he got shot and told me about Brent. These past two weeks have been the most drama filled weeks I’ve ever lived through.

                “Maybe…,” he trails off with a sigh. “I haven’t played in a while”

                “I haven’t heard Brendon sing yet. He could be awful for all I know”

                “I haven’t heard William sing yet”

                “We don’t really know a whole lot about our boyfriends do we?”

                Spencer shakes his head with a grin, “We at least know what their dicks look like”

                “How the fuck did you have sex with William already?! You just got together last night!”

                Spencer shrugs and taps his phone against the counter, “William loves to send pictures”

                “Oh my god! You’ve been sexting him!”

                “Well—He’s been sexting me. I haven’t sent him anything back,” he smiles and throws his cell phone up into the air and then catching it in his left hand. I shake my head with a laugh. I haven’t actually seen Brendon in all his glory yet. I might not for a while and I think I’m okay with that. If he’s not ready then I’m not ready. I love him and sex isn’t going to change that.


	4. Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We end up getting the dog as soon as Brendon’s house is fixed and the police have finished their investigation.

**Chapter 4: Ready**

* * *

                We end up getting the dog as soon as Brendon’s house is fixed and the police have finished their investigation. They were unable to identify the shooter and said that it looked like a professional job. But they’re going to keep the case open in case any new information comes out about it. It means that we won’t ever find out who shot/tried to kill him. But at least since Zack is around a lot more he’ll be protected.

                Brendon’s parents haven’t left Las Vegas but they haven’t visited him since I blew up on his mother. They’re either afraid of me or afraid of the fact that he’s really gay. They’ve called him though. Almost every single day. He’s rejected every single call and hasn’t texted back. I didn’t expect more than that. I just wish that I could do more and help him and his parents get back together and be a somewhat normal family. Ignore the fact that his parents are drug lords who drugged him to cure him of being gay. But hey, no family’s perfect. Not mine that’s for sure.

                My parents haven’t called me, written to me, sent out a smoke call—nothing. Spencer, William, and Brendon are pissed at them for doing that. I don’t understand why though. Brendon and William know firsthand how I reacted the last time I talked to just my mother over the phone. Spencer knows by association and stories that we’ve told him. Maybe not hearing from my parents would be the best thing. I don’t know if I can handle another breakdown. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier and I don’t want that to end with a simple phone call or Morse code (I wouldn’t put it past my mother.)

                “Are you sure that you don’t want _anything_ for your birthday? William has been bugging me about what you want for days now. He fucking asked me while I was in the orgasm buzz! It’s not fair!” Spencer rants and bangs his head against the counter in Brendon’s—me and Brendon’s kitchen.

                “I don’t want anything, Spence” I crack a smile—Spence—it’s a good nickname. I have a thing for nicknames I’ve noticed. “And even if I did want anything it’s too late to order anything”

                “Don’t underestimate him, Ryan—he ordered Hot Topic to open at 3am because he _needed_ a Supernatural shirt. I’m scared for my sanity and for the employees of Hot Topic. They’re going to find out where we live and stab us with pointy eyeliner,” he stares at me with fear in his eyes. “What if they dye my hair pink?”

                “I’m sure you could make any color work,” William comments as he stands in the doorway.

                “I’m not going back to my scene days,” Spencer groans out and lets his head fall onto the marble counter with a thud.

                “Speaking of scene days,” William walks into the kitchen and sits down next to Spencer, “Me and Brendon have been talking and we’ve decided that we need some photos of the birthday boy” Should I be scared?

                “I don’t have a lot of photos. All of the photos I have are of me and Jon” My eyes flicker over to Spencer and then back to William. “I didn’t take any when my parents kicked me out and they didn’t put any in the boxes they packed”

                “Would you mind if we—“

                “Just leave it, William—you can make do without any photos. Alter the party—do something,” Spencer mumbles from underneath the counter.

                “Fine. But it’s going to disrupt the order of Ryan coming in on elephant—“

                “How the _fuck_ did you get an elephant and should I be calling the zoo to see if they’re missing one?” I ask, as I stare at William in mild shock and mild horror.

                “We ‘borrowed’ him from a friend of Brendon’s”

                “And how does he know a friend who has an elephant?” I ask once again as I open a cabinet and take out a can of Nature’s Recipe wet dog food for Penny. Brendon has a habit on overspending for everything, including dog food. Since we adopted Penny she has taken up permanent residence in our room and sleeps on our bed. She’ll have to move when Brendon finally comes home but I’m sure that he’ll figure out some way to make sure that she’s comfortable. Whether it be a dog bed or a dog mansion—he’ll find some way to spend as much as he can possible.

                It’s nice not having to worry about money as much as I did. But now I don’t know what to do. I have no shift to work at Smoothie Hut and I don’t party anymore. My life is now full of Spencer coming over to Brendo—our house and complaining on how William is too busy planning to spend time with him. Me and Spencer normally write songs and record the CD that I’m working on for Brendon. It’s a weird new life for me.

                “So since Brendon is coming home tomorrow are we expected to not show up at all tomorrow because you’re going to be ripping each other’s clothes off each other?” William asks as he smirks. Me and Brendon have hardly even kissed since Brent and his parents got here. To be honest, I haven’t seen him a lot. I don’t want to push his comfort zone and make him feel uncomfortable by just showing up randomly uninvited. William is our go between; I ask him how Brendon is doing and if he’ll be up for another visitor the next day. It’s always the same answer—no.

                “I think it might be best if you did come over tomorrow. More party planning, I assume?” I bend down and groan as I grab Penny’s plastic dog food bowl. I stare at the music notes on her bowl and gnaw at my lip. Maybe Brendon should stay the night at Spencer and William’s place. He might not feel comfortable being in the house where he got shot. I don’t know how Brendon is feeling right now. He could feel scared—oh god I hate this.

                I just wish that I could see him. I won’t like—I’ll just stare at him. I just want to make sure that he’s feeling okay and happy. I just want him to be happy, and I’ll be happy.

                “Ryan? Are you alright? Your hands are shaking,” William’s voice snaps me out my thoughts. “Have you eaten today?”

                Did I eat? I think that Spencer mentioned it while we were working on ‘Northern Downpour’ but I must have forgotten to eat. Who could blame me though? The party is in two days and we haven’t even started on recording yet. I’m going to have to pull another all-nighter. At least we have good coffee now.

                “Let’s—do you want to go visit Brendon?” Spencer’s voice interrupts my thoughts.

                “Spence, he said that he didn’t want to see anyone today,” William whispers.

                “He can make time for his fucking boyfriend,” Spencer growls.

                “It—I’m fine—didn’t sleep well last night. I was too nervous about Brendon coming home tomorrow. Does he want me to pick him up? I can bring Penny! He hasn’t met her yet except for pictures. He’s going to love her!” I smile again, once again feeling completely happy as I open the can of dog food and dump it into Penny’s bowl.

                “He wanted to stop somewhere that had to do with the party so—“

                “Oh it’s fine! I can buy a Welcome Home sign and decorate everything! Make him feel at home,” I bend down and put the bowl back on the hardwood floor with a clatter. “We should get some ice cream—I know how much he loves it—and cake. Maybe some balloons.”

                “I don’t know how long he’s going to be able to stay in the house for, Ryan. The doctors warned us of possible PSTD and panic attacks,” William says with a sigh. Sure—sure—I knew that was going to happen. We can meet somewhere else. As long as I get to see him. I need to see him.

                “As long as I get to see him I’ll be happy. It’s been close to a week since I saw him—three weeks since we met I was unconscious for a week but still—I really miss him.”

                “They told me that he might be a little distant too—you were with him when he got shot and he might connect you to what happened,” William’s small voice squeaks out. I—I could cause him to have a panic attack? He shouldn’t be hurting because of me—he can’t be another Jon. My legs suddenly give out and I instantly fall onto the hard floor with a smack to my cheek. Why—I gasp not being able to catch my breath. Strong arms wrap around me and hold me still. I—another gasp trying force myself to suck in oxygen. A cell phone is thrust into my hands and held up to my ear. My mind isn’t catching up and I don’t know what’s going on. I know that I’m breathing—I’m thinking—but I can’t breathe. It’s like when I was in elementary school and couldn’t catch my breath because I was running.

                Someone is yelling on the cell phone but I can’t place who it is—Brendon? Mom? Dad? Who is it? And who’s holding me? Spencer? William? I want Brendon here. But he isn’t ready. He isn’t ready yet.


	5. Breakdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chirping of happy birds outside is what I wake up to that morning. No Penny—no Brendon—no nothing. Just the chirping of happy birds who don’t know shit.

**Chapter 5: Breakdown**

* * *

                The chirping of happy birds outside is what I wake up to that morning. No Penny—no Brendon—no nothing. Just the chirping of happy birds who don’t know shit. They don’t know that I could potentially hurt him and not even mean to. He shouldn’t hurt anymore. It’s not fair for him. I—I should break up with him. It’s going to destroy me. But it will help him heal. And he should be happy.

                There’s a knock on the door and I quickly sit up in ou—Brendon’s bed.

                “Ryan? Are you awake?” A voice that I immediately recognize as Spencer’s says from outside of the door. “William cooked some breakfast before he left to pick up Brendon with Keltie” Should I say that I’m awake? Maybe if I pretend that I’m asleep I can leave before Brendon comes home. I could set him off just by him looking at me. I don’t want him to have a panic attack. The door slowly opens and I quickly dart my eyes over to Spencer who is standing in the doorway with Penny in his arms. Shit.

                “I am awake—sorry for last night and just collapsing on you and William,” I slur out as I try to get my mouth and brain to cooperate.

                “William said that you never saw a doctor after Brendon got shot and that you were shaking and stuttering after it happened,” he says slowly as he walks closer to the bed. Penny is looking up at Spencer adoringly and I can’t help but crack a smile. Animals always manage to make you feel better.

                “What does that have to do with anything, Spencer? I had a meltdown last night—everyone has those moments. It’s completely normal,” I look down at my toes and wiggle them. “I didn’t know that Brendon could get hurt because of me and I was upset” There’s a shift in the weight on the other side of the bed as Spencer sits down and Penny curls up at the bottom of my feet.

                “Me and William—and Brendon—think that you should see someone and talk to them about what has happened. He wasn’t the only one who was affected by being almost killed. You were there too, Ryan. You need to talk to someone about what happened”

                “I—I should get ready for him to come home. Penny is going to need to be fed and taken out for a walk. I didn’t get a banner or streamers or balloons either—“

                “Ryan, you need help”

                I shake my head, “I’m fine, Spencer. I promise you that I’m okay” I swear that I’m okay as long as Brendon is okay.

                “Brendon is really worried. He wants to talk to you when he gets home and going to see a therapist. He said that you could go together if it makes you feel more comfort—“

                “I don’t think that he loves me anymore. He doesn’t want to see me anymore. I’m living on the information that William is giving me. I haven’t seen him in a week. I might hurt him and not even mean to. He could freak out and I think that it would destroy me. I should just break up with him. I would keep reminding him of what happened” I have a problem with word vomit.

                “He loves you, Ryan. He wouldn’t have volunteered to pay for your therapy, be planning your party, and letting you live here if he didn’t. It’s going to take time for both of you. You haven’t even known each other for a month yet but you seem so bonded already. You’ll both get through everything that has happened and what could happen in the future. The way that you look each other is honestly the sweetest the thing I have ever seen. However if you want to break up with him, go ahead if _you_ aren’t happy. But at least talk with him first before you make any decisions. He really does love you”

                I stare down at my hands, “Why hasn’t he let me visit him?”

                “He might not want to let you see him broken and hooked up to all of the wires. From what I can see you’ve seen Brendon as being a strong guy and he’s always protected you”

                “I yelled at his mother when she wouldn’t leave his room”

                “And he might of hated that you had to protect him in that case. He’s a twenty four guy who is used to being this strong guy and being able to provide for everyone he cares about me. He couldn’t do that for you and it probably hurt him. He was stuck in this bed not able to move or take care of you. It probably scared the shit out of him. He didn’t want you to see him like that. You, of course, have a right to be angry with him because you’re worried about him and you’ll have to tell him about that. There’s two people in your relationship—you and Brendon. You both have to talk about it together”

                “I’m scared that he’ll want to leave and not come back here,” I whisper my voice barely hearable over the AC and the growls that Penny is making in her sleep.

                “You’ve grown attached to this house haven’t you?” Spencer elbows me and I can’t help but smile.

                “It’s nice not having to worry about neighbors and being able to swim every day and have my laundry taken care of,” I shrug my shoulders.

                “Are you getting privileged and should I be alarmed that you’re going to turn into one of those snooty rich boys who look down upon people?”

                “Trust me—that’s the furthest thing that’s going to happen” I grin and then my face instantly drops. “It’s going to be really awkward seeing him again. I’ve forgotten what he looks like” It’s not completely true and not completely false. I’ve forgotten certain parts of him. I’ve forgotten what his hands feel like and sleeping what next to him feels like. I haven’t forgotten what his kisses feel like and how my stomach flip flops whenever I see him.

                “How about you get dressed while I call William and ask when they’ll be back?” Spencer pats my knee and gives me a reassuring smile.

                “Thanks, Spence. I don’t know what I would do without you”

                “Oh you’re just trying to butter me up,” he winks and then places his feet on the ground and walks towards the door. “Make sure to put on something nice. William wanted to go out to eat for lunch and see a movie” Before I get a chance to reply Spencer has run down the stairs and closed the door behind me.

                I sigh and stare at Penny who is still somehow asleep. She’s very much a night owl like me. We normally sleep half of the day away together. I’ve grown really attached to her since we got her. Just like Brendon I couldn’t have any pets. Part because it was too much work and partly because I was afraid that my father would hurt the animal. I don’t have to worry about that now.

                There’s new worries of course. I’m scared that Brent will hurt Brendon again in some way. I don’t know if Brendon can take anymore trauma. And honestly, I don’t think I can take anymore. It’s awful to be thinking about myself right now. But Spencer said that I have a right to be mad that Brendon hasn’t wanted to see me. Of course he doesn’t know what happened with Brent. No one knows even though they should know. Brent should be punished for what happened but I have to support Brendon in his decision even if it could hurt him more in the future.

                I let out a large sigh. I just need to see Brendon.


	6. Frozen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When I finally emerge from taking my shower and picking out something to wear—black skinny jeans, a light blue shirt and a black jean jacket—Spencer has already fed Penny and taken her out for a walk. I wouldn’t be surprised if while I was asleep last night he got banners and balloons.

**Chapter 6: Frozen**

* * *

                When I finally emerge from taking my shower and picking out something to wear—black skinny jeans, a light blue shirt and a black jean jacket—Spencer has already fed Penny and taken her out for a walk. I wouldn’t be surprised if while I was asleep last night he got banners and balloons.

                “So,” I stab my fork at a pancake, “when were William and Brendon supposed to be getting back again? I think that I might explode if I have to wait any longer” I shovel a piece of my pancake into my mouth. The pancakes taste stale and flavorless. Spencer must have made it.

                “William said that they just have to make a stop on the way home and then they’ll be here. Shouldn’t take 5 minutes,” Spencer responds as he opens the fridge and taps his pointer finger against his chin. “Should I take the cake out now or wait till later?”

                “You got him a cake?”

                “More specifically I got him an ice cream cake”

                “Dude, my boyfriend is going to leave me for you” I point my fork at him and he laughs. “He might be addicted to ice cream and Disney movie—Shit. We didn’t finish the CD for him”

                Spencer shrugs, “I don’t think that he needs gifts for him to know that you love him and missed him while he was gone. Keep the songs for another day or when you really need them. So—keep the ice cream cake in the refrigerator or leave it out?”

                “I just wanted to do something nice for him,” I stare down at my plate and move my pancake along the plate with my fork. “He saved me from a life of being a walking zombie. How am I going to repay him for that?”

                “You stupid asshole—Brendon didn’t save you. You saved yourself. William told me that you did end up talking to Brendon when he brought that blender. You could have said nothing. You could have not let him in and told him about Jon. You reached out for help and for Brendon. You don’t need to repay him for anything when you helped yourself. Brendon was just nearby when you finally picked yourself up and discovered that there was a life living for,” he sighs and closes the fridge. “Small gifts are the best. If you don’t have a whole CD written then do one song. Do something small only if _you_ want to. You don’t need to reward him for loving you”

                “When I told him the full story about how Jon died he held me and forced me to tell him. He knew that I was ready to break down and if I didn’t tell anyone soon it would destroy me. I don’t know how to show him that I love him”

                “You’re still here, aren’t you?” Spencer asks and then sits on the counter, his long legs swinging back and forth.

                “Well—yeah-but—“

                “No buts. You’ve been shot at, drugged by William, been cheated on, yelled at by a mother, in a coma for a week and have lost your job in a matter of three weeks—if you didn’t love him you would have been long gone and I think that he knows that. Stop worrying so much. If you don’t get him anything he’s going to love you as much as he did yesterday”

                “I don’t want to trigger him”

                “If you do trigger him—highly unlikely by the way,” he stabs at my pancakes with his fork, “then you’ll get through it together. William doesn’t know the full story of what happened between me and Jon and that’s an obstacle we’re going to have to deal with. Just like you and Brendon are going to have go get over his possible PSTD and your breakdowns. Now stop being so melodramatic and eat your pancakes,” he snickers.

                “You’re a horrible cook, Spencer”

                “At least I don’t burn down kitchens like you did in home-ec”

                “There was other circumstances involving that!” I put my hands up to defend myself. “My hair was much longer—shoulder length—and there was fire and rice and a pot. I wasn’t my fault. My hair just liked fire and rice”

                “Dude! You got me out of an English test because your hair caught on fire! Me and Dallon cracked up laughing when we found out it was because Ryan Ross lite his hair on fire”

                I pout and fold my arms across my chest, “They had to use a fire extinguisher on my hair. I looked like a giant foam snowman”

                “Did you look like Olaf from Froze—“

                “Frozen! Shit! I know what to get Brendon!”

                “The movie isn’t even out yet in theaters. You can’t get him a DVD of the movie or even a pirated copy” Spencer seems to know what I’m thinking about before I even say it out loud.

                “I just need to find someone who can get into a special preview of the movie I think that I would make his entire life and he would love me forever,” I get up from my chair and throw the plate into the sink for me to wash later. I don’t like the maids to do any of the work. They should just be taking it easy. A lot of them are immigrants who are sending money back home. I can’t imagine what it’s like to leave your family behin—I guess I actually do kind of know what it’s like.

                “Two problems with your idea. 1—He already loves you and will forever, and 2—how are you going to get him to see Frozen? The movie doesn’t come out until December and your party is tomorrow. Brendon won’t let you miss it”

                “I’ll figure out some way to get some passes. Seeing his whole entire face light up is the best part of my day. He’s like a kid who woke up on Christmas morning and saw the presents under the tree. I miss that face,” I sigh and then suppress a yawn watching Spencer as he starts texting on his iPhone.

                “You won’t have to wait any longer—William just texted me and said that they’re outside. Do you want to go greet them or wait for them to come inside?” Spencer looks at me his face emotionless.

                “I’m just going to stay in here. Get ready and all. Penny doesn’t know Brendon so she’ll need to be held back,” my voice shaky again. Fuck. Brendon is back now and everything could go wrong.

                “Sure,” he plops down onto the ground and walks out of the kitchen. The door of the front door squeaks open and then shuts with a small thud. This is harder than I thought it was going to be.


	7. Table

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The door slams open again a few seconds later and voices fill the house as they echo through the house into the kitchen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm spoiling you guys this Wednesday.   
> And I'm once again tricking myself that I'm making progress in this fic.

**Chapter 7: Table  
**

* * *

                The door slams open again a few seconds later and voices fill the house as they echo through the house into the kitchen. The house has a habit of doing that I’ve noticed William and Spencer spent the night a few days ago and all I could hear was their moaning and groaning. And that was from mine and Brendon’s room which is like a mile away. Hearing your best friends having sex while sleeping in a bed alone with only a dog is not the best thing in the world. Another thing? Spencer is totally a bottom.

                I jerk my head up when I hear footsteps getting closer to the kitchen. Fuck—fuck—is my hair alright? I run my fingers through my hair hoping that it doesn’t look like I just stuck my finger in a light socket. Do I smell? I might smell. I just took a shower but the Nevada heat never likes me. I lift up my arm and sniff at my armpit. Good—I don’t smell. I brushed my teeth, right? Shit. They’re coming. Brendon is coming home and I think I’m going to pass out. Every day—no—every second I’ve been wondering and worrying when he was going to come back and he’s coming home right now. I think I might piss myself or throw up or—

                “Hey,” Brendon’s voice suddenly announces from the doorway. I immediately stare down at my hands and give him a half-smile. I can’t bear to look at him yet. He probably looks different. I don’t want to ruin my image of him yet. This is the longest we’ve been apart since we’ve met except for when I was in a coma. And even though I’m pretty sure I had dreamt about him.

                “I missed you a lot. I thought that you didn’t want to see me,” I say with a sigh. Better to start off on the hard stuff than the I love you’s and the easy things. We have a habit of not talking about things and letting our bodies speak for us.

                “I couldn’t let you see what we had planned for your party. I did really want to see you. I just couldn’t,” there’s a sudden squeak and I instantly jump, my heart starting to race. “Hey—I was just walking over to you? Are you okay?”

                “Ye—Yeah—jumpy lately,” I will my heart to calm down and stare at my now shaking hands.

                “Your hands are shaking,” his calloused hands are suddenly on top of mine, “nothing is going to happen to you, Ry. Zack’s here and he won’t let anything happen to us. He does like you even though he might not show it” I continue looking down at my hands and now his. His hands are bruised from the IVs and they has lost their golden tan. They look paler. “We were supposed to go out with William and Spencer to go see Froz—“

                I jerk my head to look at Brendon—he still looks like the Brendon I love and his eyes have not changed at all nothing has changed—how did he get Frozen tickets? I was supposed to get that for him. Brendon smiles with that megawatt smile and my stomach fills with butterflies again. God—I’ve missed that smile. And those lips that I’ve missed kissing—what did he say about Frozen again?

                “There’s that Ryan that I love,” he smiles again. Oh god—he should just kiss me already. But is he ready to after what happened with Brent and him being back? I should ask him before I just kiss him but oh god—I’ve missed him so much.

He wets his lips, and then words start to flow from his lips, “Do you want to just stay home and take it slow? William called me last night because you were freaking out. He made me on the phone with you, but you didn’t answer me. All I heard was crying and William and Spencer in the background. I was terrified that something had happened and that you wouldn’t ever be okay. We’ve already been through so much in these three weeks—it feels like so much longer—and I felt like I had lost you all over again. And I couldn’t leave that bed. I don’t want that to ever happen again” He exhales, his eyes flicker to the ground and then back up to mine. “I love you, Ryan Ross”

                “I had thought that you didn’t want me anymore. Or that Bre—him being back in town would change everything. And that you being shot would change everything. That I was going to trigger you an—“

                “Brent being around doesn’t change the fact that I love you and I will always love you. Even if you break up with me in the future—I will still want you—not in the creepy way and stalkerish way. But in that I will always miss you—oh god—that sounded weird and stalker like. I’m so sor—“ I quickly interrupt him with a hard kiss which he instantly replicates before I get a chance to catch my breath.

                “We should,” I mumble through the kiss, “see if William and Spencer are okay” Brendon bites onto my tongue as a response—oh fuck them they can wait. In one swift motion my jean jacket is off and I’m pushing Brendon against a wall in a flutter of sloppy kisses. I’ve waited so long for this and I can’t wait any longer.

                “We should” Another sloppy kiss is exchanged and his breathing hitches. “Upstairs”

                I pull back from another sloppy kiss and look into those eyes that I could never get tired of, “Are you ready to? Or do you just want to kiss, or do you want to kiss and do a little bit more or—“

                “I’m ready, Ryan. Me being alone in the hospital without you showed me how much I was ready for this. I know that you won’t hurt me. Hell—you couldn’t hurt a fly,” he gives me a tight lipped smile and shakes his head his eyes casting to the ground. He quickly looks back at me with a huge smile, “I’m ready—are you?”

                “I’ve been ready since the first time I met you at Smoothie Hut”

                “William brought some—ahem—supplies in case something happened,” he blushes. “I sent them to the movies together. They could use some alone time instead of just taking care of us”

                “Yeah—we can take care of ourselves” I let go of Brendon and pull my jean jacket on. It’s been getting colder in Las Vegas recently and whenever me and him aren’t kissing I feel utterly self-conscious. “Have you met Penny yet? She reminds me a lot of you”

                Brendon scoffs, “I’m not a dog though”

                “Oh really? Last time we got together you were going at me like you were a dog with a bone” I raise my eyebrow with a small laugh.

                “You’ll be the dog with the bone this time,” he smirks and walks pass me into the living room. Bone what—oh fuck. He wants me to top. Shit. I’ve been out of practice with any type of sex—topping is even longer. What if it’s uncomfortable and weird? It’s like I’m reverting back to when I was a virgin. “Ryan? I think that I might kill William when he gets back from the movie”

                I roll my eyes, “Did he get you handcuff—,” my voice goes dry and my speaking stutters out as I roll my eyes over to Brendon who is in a Princess Jasmine costume. I don’t know if it’s attractive or just funny, or both. I gulp and find a way to speak, “Am I Aladdin then?”

                “He got us,” he places the Adult Superstore bag on the counter his shirt riding up, exposing his muscular stomach. Why is he taking so long? If he’s not careful I might just throw him over the counter or fuck him across the kitche—calm down, Ryan. You can wait. He’s been through a lot. “Chocolate scented and flavored lube, strawberry favored lube, glow in the dark condoms, music note condoms—I didn’t even fucking know that they made those—“

                I start to drown him out as my eyes hungrily absorb every curve of his body for a memory. I just want to reach out and touch him and rip off that costume but I can’t push him. At this point I would be just okay with dry humping. I’m so backed up I’m surprised that I didn’t come when me and him were just kissing. Jerking off in a bed with a dog wouldn’t be the most impressive moment of my life.

                “Are you sure that you’re okay with this Brendon? I don’t want to push you. You haven’t told anyone about what happened—besides me—and I don’t want to hurt you. It would break my heart” I stare at his back and bite at my lip, pulling a piece of skin away from my bottom lip. “I really want you, like, _really really_ want you but I want to make sure you’re okay with this. Our relationship has been very much backwards. You just got shot too. William said that I could trigger yo—“

                “If you don’t pull your pants down right here I’ll pull your pants down for you,” Brendon growls and rips open the foil wrapper to a plain condom with his perfect teeth. Holy shit. I think that I just came. Say something cool and confident, Ryan—you can do it.

                “Could you help me? I think that the button must be stuck,” I smirk at him and he turns around from the bag. “Don’t you want to do it upstairs? It might be more comfortabl—Fuck—feels good,” I throw my head back when he pulls down my pants and sticks his hand into my boxers all within a few seconds. Is this going to happe—“Table—now”

                “I thought that you would never ask, Ryan,” He smirks and pulls his hand out of my boxers, wraps his finger into the waistband of my boxers and pulls me over to the oak table. “So—how should we do this? Do you want to—“

                “Less talking—more skin,” I interrupt him and slide his shirt off quickly. More skin is what I need. I don’t know how I managed to be in a relationship with someone like him. He’s amazing. I stare at Brendon’s upper half with a small smile. And so is his body.

                “You should take your shirt off. I hear that’s how these things work,” he smirks.

                “I’m afraid. You might not like what you see”

                “I love every inch of you, Ryan. From your skinny wrists that I could pin up against a wall, and bony hips that probably ruin me when we have sex—I love you and every inch of who you are” He grabs my hands and kisses them. “Do you want me to help you? I can help you if you want. It’s a big step for both of us”

                “How about you help me take my shirt off and I help you take your pants off?”

                 “Deal,” using our conjoined hands he helps me pull my shirt off and he sighs happily. “Nothing has changed during that week. You’re still the amazing Smoothie Hut employee that I love”

                 “You’re still the customer who made me mute”

                 “You haven’t seen me without my pants off. I have horrible legs,” he whispers softly.

                 “Hey—I don’t care. And I bet that you have amazing legs. You could shave your mop of hair off and I would still love you,” I press my forehead up against his and he laughs.

                 “You could get rid of that fringe and I would still love you”

                 “Oh I count on it. I’m thinking about growing it out soon” I kiss his forehead and he smiles.

                 “I think I’m ready to take my pants off,” he pulls back and squeezes my hands. “You’re going to help me, right?” I nod. He grabs my hands and guides them to his button which we undo together slowly sliding his pants down over his long legs. I can’t help but smile at his bright pink silk boxers.

                 “I like your boxers. Very colorful and it describes your personality,” I tease him, and he sticks his tongue out at me. “So—where is Zack? I don’t want him to walk in on us”

                 “He’s out in the living room. The police sent me home with a patrol team that circles around every twenty minutes. They want to catch whoever shot me in any possible way”

                 “Yeah” I look down at his boxers with uncertainty and then my eyes glide up to his gunshot scar across his stomach. “Does it still hurt?” My fingers ghost over the scar and his body shivers under my touch. “The bruises my dad gave me would always hurt worse after the first day”

                 “They gave me a pretty heavy dose of Morphine in the hospital and they’re still prescribing me some Vicodin to help with the pain. It’s getting better. Doesn’t hurt as much earlier today,” he breathes out and closes his eyes. “Can you just continue doing that? Feels a lot better”

                 I get down on my knees and kiss down the scar gently. His body instantly relaxes beneath my lips. “I can just stay on my knees and suck you off if you want. Might help you relax a little” Where the hell did that confidence come from?

                 “N—No. Get up and help me take my overly colorful boxers off,” he smiles down at me. “I’ll help you take yours off too” I quickly get up onto my feet careful not to slip on the floor.

                 “Are you sure that you’re ready? I—I just want to make sure that I’m not pressuring you. You’re too amazing to be hurt. You deserve to be treasured and loved not hurt. You’ve not like anyone I’ve ever met. You’re brave, kind, amazing—I love you so much it hurts”

                 “I love you too, Ryan,” he gives me an uncertain smile and then slowly pulls down his boxers. My heart thumps in my chest as I’m determined not to look down yet. “I’m ready to move on, are you?”

                 I pull my Pacman boxers off, and give him an uncertain smile as well, “I’m ready”


	8. Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon giggles into my ear as we lay on the table in our post orgasm haze.

**Chapter 8: Gift**

* * *

                Brendon giggles into my ear as we lay on the table in our post orgasm haze. Whoever uses the table next is probably going to regret their decision but I don’t care right now. I don’t think I can get happier right now. I just had sex with Brendon and he seemed to actually like it. I know that I certainly enjoyed it. God—did I enjoy it and he wasn’t even topping. And judging by his sticky hand and the condom in the trash, I think that I did good job at it. He smiles and leaves a soft kiss on my nose.

                “Mhmm?” I mumble and blink slowly as I stare up at him. We should be getting up before Zack comes into the kitchen and wonders why everything is so quiet but I don’t want to move. Lying next to Brendon is the happiest I’ve been for years.

                “I just missed kissing you,” a large goofy smile spreads across his face.

                “Didn’t we just get finished kissing? And among other things?”

                “But that was so long ago, Ryan”

                I roll my eyes as Brendon rests his cheek on my chest, “It was seriously a few seconds ago”

                “A lot can happen in a few seconds” I shiver when Brendon ghosts his fingers along my stomach. “We should probably at least get our boxers on in case Zack walks in. He may love me but that not that much to be okay with me completely naked with you”

                “My legs are still jelly though. And I don’t want to move. You’re warm and I’m naked,” I yawn and stretch my arms into the air. Brendon sighs and rolls off me onto the ground. I lean up on my elbows and stare at Brendon’s back and his ass. His body must have carved by Michelangelo—whatever the fuck his name is—every portion of him is incredible. I don’t think I could ever tired of it. And okay—maybe I do have some penis envy. But he’s got a baseball bat in between his legs so I can’t really compare. I swear that he’s got an ass that—

                “Are you staring at me, Ryan?” Brendon’s voice quickly interrupts my train of thought and staring. He smirks at me and pulls his boxers on while keeping direct eye contact with me. I gulp.

                “U—Um—No I—I wasn’t”

                “Why don’t you put on your boxers and we can go upstairs and watch some Disney movies? You did promise me that we would marathon them when I got home,” he grins and throws my boxers at me.

                “Oh come on! That wasn’t fair!” I pout. “And Spencer got you an ice cream cake. Wouldn’t you rather eat non hospital food instead of watching Disney movies that you could watch any time?”

                “It’s not impossible to eat cake while we’re upstairs and watching the movies,” he juts out his bottom lip and looks at me pleadingly, “you promised me. You wouldn’t want to break that promise”

                I sigh, “Alright—alright. I promised you. But isn’t all of your movies downstairs? It’ll be kind of hard to cart everything upstairs” I slide off the table, and slide on my boxers.

                “Er—well—I have a Disney room,” he scratches the back of his neck and smiles at me sheepishly.

                “How many times have you been to Disneyworld? Or have you lost count?” I bend down and grab my shirt then slide it on, ignoring how sore and tired I feel. I might fall asleep during the movies.

                “Seeing the room might answer your question”

                “So” I slip on my jeans, “what time does the party start tomorrow? Do I need to be out of the house for a certain amount of time?”

                “Telling you anything would be a disservice to our planning,” he shimmies himself into his jeans and throws on his red V-neck shirt that’s lying on the ground. “Let’s not focus on the party right now. It’s giving me a headache just thinking about it”

                “Brendon, you didn’t need to do anything for me. I don’t like my birthdays. It’s always just another day for me. I would work my shift at Smoothie Hut—Smoothie Hut is closing by the way—walk home and try to sleep”

                “Did you not even get a birthday cake?”

                “I told you that I wasn’t a huge fan of eating until I met you”

                “Not even a cupcake? Or a candy bar?”

                “Nope—couldn’t really afford it. You saw the state of my apartment. I was barely making it to pay for that. William bought me buy a cupcake from Smoothie Hut and stick a candle in it and sang for me last year. We almost burned down the store in the process because I wouldn’t make a wish”

                “Why wouldn’t you make a wish?”

                “Because I would have wished for Jon,” I sigh and stare up at the high ceiling.

                “Last birthday I went out with Brent,” he flinches slightly, “and a few of my friends to see Monsters University. My parents know of my obsession with Disney so they got a few passes to see the movie early. It was my birthday gift from them. I think back then I knew that me and Brent weren’t going to make it. I didn’t want to realize it though.”

                “Jon was cheating on me with Spencer for a while and I didn’t even know it. When we’re in love we don’t even notice those things. And then when we come out of that love fog we’re like—what the hell? What the fuck did I do? We realize that all of the signs were there but we didn’t want to acknowledge them. But nothing that we did could have caused them to do what they did,” I reach over and squeeze his hand.

He smiles sadly. I think that I might have just broke him. Fuck—I didn’t want to hurt him. I probably pressured him into having sex with me. I didn’t even mean to, but I probably did, and now he regrets it. “Do you regret what we just did? Did I do badly? I mean—I’ll get better with tim—fuck, I didn’t mean in that way with you—not that I wouldn’t love too but in case you aren’t ready—“

                “I got you a present while I was on the way home with William,” he quickly interrupts me. “I saw it and thought of you”

                “Brendon. It’s not even my birthday yet,” I gnaw at my lip. He didn’t answer my question. He just ignored it and pretended that I had never asked it in the first place. That’s a bad sign.

                “I wouldn’t be able to hide in the house until tomorrow. It’s why me and William were so late on the way home. It’s in the living room. I think you’ll like it,” that dazzling smile is displayed again and my stomach flips over. He pushes me towards the living room and I can’t help but laugh.

                “I thought that I told you that I didn’t want anything expensive, Brendon. Judging by how you’re acting right now it’s something really expensive”

                “It didn’t cost me anything except for a lot of complicated phone calls and a lot of help from William. He should be a party planner instead of a musician”

                “Can’t he be a singing musician?”

                “I guess so...,” he trails off, and then places his hands over my eyes as he leads me into the living room avoiding furniture that I might run into.

                “If you make me run into something I will kill you. Or make William do it for me”

                “Oh hush, Smoothie Boy. If I would wanted that to happen I would have made it happen a long time ago,” he stops leading me into the living room and I exhale, breathing in his scent that I’ve missed so much. “We aren’t really going to marathon Disney movies”

                “If we’re going to Disneyland I think I’m going to kill you for being so corny,” I chuckle.

                “That’s for the future. This gift is for the now. I know that you haven’t had anyone to spend your birthdays with. So, I got you someone to spend your birthday with”

                “I don’t need you to hire some—“ Brendon pulls his hands away from my eyes and I stand there shocked, not sure whether to believe my brain or my eyes which are now leaking. I’m not supposed to be crying. I’m supposed to be strong for Brendon. But it seems like my eyes and brain aren’t working.

I’m wanting to believe my eyes but I don’t know if I want to get my hopes up. Brendon grabs my hand and squeezes it. This is real. This is happening right now. This is actually happening, and it’s not another one of my daydreams and wishes.

I find some way to gulp my way through my tears and speak, “Mom? What are you doing here?”

                “Brendon, your—“

                “Boyfriend,” I grit through my teeth. Brendon squeezes my hand again.

                “Called me repeatedly and told me that I should talk to you. We’ve already moved to Washington but he paid for my airfare so that I could talk to you and wish you a happy birthday,” a warm smile spreads across her wrinkled and makeup free face.

                “I should probably leave,” Brendon states and tries to leave the room but I only pull him back towards me. I look over at him and smile.

                “I want you here. You’re a part of my life now” Brendon nods. I look over at my mother who is dressed in what looks like she would wear for church—red dress with a matching red jacket and black mary-janes. Her hair is perfect and wrapped up into a bun. The only thing that seems real to her now is the smile that she gave me earlier. Even her voice seems robotic. A lot has changed even from when I talked to her on the phone those few weeks ago.

She sits down carefully in a plush green armchair and gives me an uncertain smile. I should probably sit down. But I had read a while ago that when you’re standing up it makes you seem stronger and more in control of the situation. Maybe standing up might be the best in this situation. I don’t want it to seem like her kicking me out hurt all that much.

                “I had tried to make you a cake but it exploded,” she chuckles sadly and stares down at her Maryjanes. “Remember that time your father got so angry that he threw your cake up against the wall?”

                “Did you tell him that you’re here?” I can feel my body tensing up but it instantly cools with another squeeze of Brendon’s hand. “You shouldn’t have come here for me. I know how he gets when he talks about me. When he finds out that you came here he’s going to be furious. I can’t let him hurt you. I would much rather not see you than know that you were hurt because of me”

As I start to process the scene in front of me I know that Brendon shouldn’t have done this. He was going to do well but he shouldn’t have done this. There’s way too many elements in play that he doesn’t even know.

                When my mother goes back to Washington she’s going to get hurt—badly—and there’s nothing that I can do. She knows that she should leave him but she’s always said that she loves him and that he’ll get better soon. It’s been years and nothing has changed. It’s a dream that is never going to be fulfilled and it kills me to know that she’ll never be able to live that dream. She may not be the mother that I used to know but she’s still my mother. She’s still the person who protected me and made sure that I was okay. She took a risk and she came here instead of staying with Dad.

                “He doesn’t know that I’m here. Brendon—your boyfriend—made sure that everything checked out. I told your father that I was going to visit Janet and that I would be back soon. I’m leaving after your party. Everything will be okay. I still love him, Ryan. And I still love you.” She—she said that Brendon is my boyfriend? Should I assume that she accepts me now? Or am I getting my hopes up? Obviously based on just a few weeks ago she didn’t, but sometimes all it takes is a few phone calls and some doubt. I’m getting my hopes up, but hope and Brendon is all I have.

                “Do you,” I trail off as I flicker my eyes to me and Brendon’s conjoined hands and back to my mother.

                “After talking to William—he’s quite a charmer isn’t he?—and Brendon they made see it in from a different point. I should let you love who you love because I love you. You seem happy too,” that smile is on her face again and I feel like I want to hug her and completely collapse into her arms like a child would.

                “Mom? Where are you going to stay?”

                “Brendon is paying for everything. I’m going to be well taken of”

                “He’s kind of great, isn’t he?”

                “You do know that I’m right here?” Brendon pouts with small laughter erupting from me and my mother’s mouth. I have my mother, and Brendon in the same room and I couldn’t be happier. This might have been the best birthday gift of my life even if Brendon didn’t ask.


	9. Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So did you enjoy your pre-birthday present?” Brendon asks me with a smile as he cuts a piece of the ice cream cake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually wrote a chapter for Love Is A Ten Letter Word today!  
> Yay! So I'm posting this chapter because I'm finally catching up and as a thank you for everyone's comments.  
> I've been getting them on here, and also on tumblr so it's amazing and I thank you so so so much.  
> Also, as another thank you, a sneak peek of my newest fanfic Firewall will be posted at the bottom of this chapter!

 

**Chapter 9: Wedding**

* * *

                “So did you enjoy your pre-birthday present?” Brendon asks me with a smile as he cuts a piece of the ice cream cake. “Mmm—chocolate. Spencer is a man who is after my own heart”

                “I think that his heart is already taken by William’s,” I pull out two plates and put them down on the counter. “Plus I think that Spencer likes the tall and girly. You aren’t tall—maybe girly—but not tall”

                Brendon scoffs, “I am offended that you think that I’m girly”

                I narrow my eyes at him, “Brendon, you have a fucking room dedicated to Disney. I bet you even have a few princess dresses and might have dressed up as them for Halloween”

                “Why do you think I had that Nurse outfit?” He winks at me and goes back to slicing the cake. I sit down at the counter and stare down at my paper plate, digesting what just happened with my mother. After we talked on the phone and she effectively kicked me out for good, Dad has been getting help. She had said that after I left—kicked out—things have been different around the house. Better in a way. But a lot worse at the same time.

                Dad has lost his job at the casino since I was kicked out of the house and hasn’t been able to get a job due to all of the drinking. He’s had a few more hospital stints since I was at home so my mom has been taking care of all of the bills and taking care of him. I told her that she should leave him but she didn’t agree with me. She said he’s been going to AA meetings and he’s getting his life back on track.

I also asked her if she’s heard anything about Jon’s family and she said that a year after Jon passed away his mother and his stepfather moved to Virginia and hasn’t heard anything since. When Brendon was in the bathroom and she was about to leave I asked her if she supported me and Brendon—she didn’t answer but instead just left the house with Zack.

                “You look like you’re going to set your plate on fire with your mind,” Brendon’s voice suddenly interrupts my thoughts. “Fuck. You aren’t the male Carrie are you?”

                I roll my eyes, “Totally, Brendon. I can set fires with my mind”

                “Damn it! You should have used that power on Gabe,” he pouts. “Speaking of Gabe—I disinvited him from the party and security will stop him from getting inside” I nearly choke on my spit.

                “How many people are you inviting? I don’t even know that many people,” I slide my plate over to Brendon. “Joe, Andy, Patrick, Pete, Spencer, William—I think that’s about it” Well, that’s excluding the people who I used to go to parties with. I should really tell Brendon about that part of my life.

                “I thought that we weren’t going to talk about the party,” he whines as he places a piece of cake on my plate and his. “Just eat cake and let’s talk about meaningless stuff” I reach over to get my plate and slide it over to me. “Right—forks. We’re going to need those”

                “I could smash your cake into your face—wedding style”

                “Don’t mention the w word. I hate weddings. Everyone at weddings are so happy when everyone is fretting over whether these flowers look right, or did you hear that the groom’s bride is a whore? They’ll end up on Jerry Springer soon enough,” Brendon’s voice full of contempt. Fuck. Does he not want to get married then? I mean—it’s not legal in Nevada. At least for us. Would he even want to spend the rest of his life with me?

                And do I even really want to be married? I’ve never really thought about marriage before. Jon was against it so I never really considered it. I just went along with whatever Jon had wanted. He had said that we didn’t need a paper to say that we loved each other. He had room to talk since he was with Spencer during our relationship and made me feel like shit for the two years after he died. Fucking prick. I should ask Brendon what he wants to do though. We haven’t talked about how far we would want to go with this relationship. Kids? Marriage? Kids? No marriage? No nothing?

                “Would you want to get married in the future? We haven’t really talked about what we would want to do in the future. Hell—we haven’t really learned about each other’s backstories. Like, are you an only child?” I ask Brendon as I stare down at my cake that is now melting. Brendon sighs and sits down next to me in one of the chairs.

                “I’m an only child—my parents had tried for a second but after countless miscarriages they decided to stop. They didn’t want to try any other methods. They wanted to have their own with no other help. It was boring being an only child. I got everything that I had wanted but still boring. There was no one to play with or talk with. That was when I started to pick up an instrument and play. I lied to you when I said that I began to play instruments and sing when I had to quit sports,” his voice is shaky.

Brendon mentioned this back in the hospital and I guess the full story is coming out now. I’m not surprised that he lied about it though. We all keep things certain things bottled up like me and my parties. I should tell him. Right now. I have to let him in like he’s letting me in. It’s how a relationship works.

                “When Jon passed away I took it really really hard—as you may know” Brendon nods. “When I got my job at Smoothie Hut everything kind of crashed down around me and the realization set in that this was going to be my life. I would work at a below minimum wage job and live in a shitty apartment until the day I die. No one would come to my funereal when I would finally die. There was countless days when I just wanted to end it all. I couldn’t deal with what was going on. I was without a family—without anything of my old life. Around this time I started to drink and smoke a lot. Every night after my shift at Smoothie Hut I would find the nearest party and get so wasted that I wouldn’t remember what was going on.”

                “I wasn’t alone anymore. The morning was always hell. I would suddenly remember how alone I was and where I was. Jon was gone. My parents were gone. Everyone was gone. I had to face Spencer—the guy who sold Jon Eurie—every day. It was absolute hell,” I bite at my lip. “The same guy who sold Jon the Eurie also probably saved my life” Thinking back I do remember that night when Spencer saw me at that party. I had planned on hanging myself after I left the party.”

                “I wanted to die. After the party I had planned on hanging myself. Clean. Efficient. Doesn’t cost a lot for rope. I had planned on having a last meal—Burger King—how fucked up is that?” I chuckle sadly to myself. “He took me back to his place and I tried to make out with him. He made sure that I was okay and didn’t choke in my vomit. I don’t remember what happened after that. I woke up in my apartment that morning. I didn’t learn that I had made out with Spencer until he told me a few days ago” I let out a deep breathe, feeling utterly exhausted.

                “The first time I got hurt because of who my parents were I was in like,” he pauses, “fourth grade. I was homeschooled which allowed me to be home a lot more. Someone—his name was Travis—found out where we lived and barged in. I was into sports during that time. He did so much damage the doctors told me that I might never walk again and even if I could I wouldn’t ever gain complete motion. I had to stop playing sports and that’s when I really got into music. That’s also when my parents wised up and put me into the daycare with all of their coworkers. It wasn’t all that much safe, but at least I wasn’t alone and I had started to make friends”

                “That’s where Sarah came into the equation. When she died I asked my parents if I could leave the group. They agreed so I stayed at home and just threw myself into my studies. Travis—he’s in jail right now—had told his friends where we had lived and they were able to find out where we lived currently. They shot up our house one day. That’s how I knew what was happening when I was shot. After that—of course we couldn’t tell the police what really happened—we moved into a new house and made sure that our security was tighter. We started to get bodyguards around that time. Zack was hired soon after that. Nothing really happened to me after we hired him,” Brendon finishes with a quick grab of my hand and giving me a slight squeeze. I wet my lips trying to decide on what I should say.

                Without warning I blurt out, “Do you regret me and you having sex? You didn’t really answer my question about it. I didn’t want to hurt you or rush things and now I’m scared that you got hurt” I want to slam my head into this counter right now.

                “Ryan—I don’t regret anything that we did. Yeah. I’m probably never going to look at a table the same way again. But I don’t regret anything at all. I love you and nothing is going to change that,” he gives me another squeeze and smiles.

                “You don’t think that I’m a loser for making out with Spencer when I was drunk? And that I wanted to kill myself? I was a coward. I was going to take the easy way out”

                “Hey,” he says softly and kisses the top of my forehead, “I will always love you. You had a really rough two years. I went through a really bad relationship and I escaped California instead of staying and dealing with what was going on. If anything you should be ashamed of me. I should have dealt with it and told someone—my parents—instead of just running from it”

                “No—no—no, I could never be ashamed of you. You couldn’t deal with what was going on. You had no one to turn to. I completely understand that you _had_ to leave to get away from him. If you never want to tell anyone else that’s completely fine. I’ll take your secret to my grave. I’m a fuckup, Brendon. And honestly, I don’t deserve you,” I sigh.

                “Then I guess we’re both fuckups,” he smiles and turns back to his cake which has now melted. His face falls with a pout. I can’t help but chuckle.

                “How about we just go watch some Disney movies and forget about the cake? William and Spencer will probably be back from the movie soon. And I kind of want some alone time with you before they get back,” I give him a crooked smile and knock his foot with mine.

                “Are you suggesting that we make out while watching Cinderella dream about marrying the prince and getting away from her awful stepmother and stepsister?” He raises his eyebrow. I shrug.

                “I’m not against watching Pinocchio dream about being a real and watching his nose grow,” I smirk at Brendon and he playfully slaps my arm.

                “And I thought that I was one that was perverted!”

                “Why do you think that there’s so many pornos modeled after Disney movies? Because there’s so easy to convert from a children’s movie to a porno”

                “Stop turning my childhood memories into dirty ones,” he pouts and crosses his arms across his chest.

                “Soooo,” I stretch out the o, “you don’t want to make out?” His pout suddenly turns into a sexy smirk and I just _know_ that I’m probably going to be thrown over his shoulder and brought upstairs soon.

                “Walt Disney is just going to have to roll in his grave, isn’t he?” He bites at his lip and before I know what I’m doing I’m pulling him up the stairs and into our room. Good luck Walt Disney. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "One look at his once white walls which are now showered with random phrases and words that once meant something to him and you could tell how he dealt with it. He wrote. Random fragments from how his nightmares made him feel. Hushed secrets from girls gossiping about hook ups at his high school. He wrote, and wrote, and wrote until he could fall back to sleep. But he has no room left in his room. No way to control the nightmares now and it scared him shitless" - From Firewall


	10. Top

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So what I don’t understand that if Cinderella’s shoe was made to her foot then how come it fell off when she was running away from the prince?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No anon can stop these 'boring' characters from continuing their story, no matter how much dimension they lack.   
> This is the 51th chapter, so you have approximately 14 chapters left.

**Chapter 10: Top**

* * *

                “So what I don’t understand that if Cinderella’s shoe was made to her foot then how come it fell off when she was running away from the prince?” I ask Brendon as we lay in bed together with Cinderella on the black fifty six inch flat screen. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a flat screen bigger than this one. Maybe in magazines but certainty not in person. I’ve seen it before but never really noticed it. Each time we’ve been in our room things tend to go wrong.

                “Don’t question it, Ryan. It’s a kids’ movie that is supposed to make people feel good. It’s like questioning a Lifetime movie or a Hallmark movie. There’s so many plot twists and plot holes in those movies I don’t even know what’s happening but they’re supposed to make you feel good and all warm,” he responds back lazily. “When it’s Christmas time Hallmark does this twenty five days of Christmas and they play Christmas movies constantly on their channel. When I was at college during Christmas time Zack would have to peel me away from my TV to go to class”

                I fold my arms behind my head, “I’m not a huge fan of holidays since my parents kicked me out. I used to love Christmas though. Halloween was a huge thing for me. I might have not gone out and gotten candy but I used to love making costumes. I once made Jon this kickass vampire costume and I was dressed up as a mummy. We blew our entire allowance just on my toilet paper”

                “I was never allowed to go out on Halloween. It was a safety risk for me and my parents,” he sighs and rolls over onto his side to stare at me. “Do you think that Jon would have liked me? I know that you talk about him a lot and I just want to make sure that he would have liked me. I know that you still love him—that’s fine with me—and—“

                I quickly roll over on my side to stare at him, “Jon cheated on me with Spencer and I didn’t even know it until Spencer told me a few days ago. I don’t think that I love Jon anymore, Brendon. I love you, Brendon—not Jon—you. I know that I talk a lot about him but that’s because he was a big part of the life that I left behind. I left behind him and my parents and who I used to know. I’m ready to start my new life with you, Brendon Boyd Urie, Disney freak” He breaks out into a huge smile and his face lights up.

                “Could you make me a Halloween costume when Halloween comes around? I know it’s not for a while but I thought that I would ask in advance. And what would you want for Christmas? I’m determined to show you that holidays aren’t all that bad,” he rambles.

                “As long as I’m with you, I don’t think anything bad could happen,” I lean over and kiss him softly. He smiles into the kiss and quickly deepens it. Pinocchio’s nose isn’t the only nose that’s growing right now. “Spencer and William will be back soon,” I mumble into his lips and he quickly bites down on my tongue. Fuck Spencer and William and fuck Cinderella and her glass slipper that doesn’t really fit. I break the kiss and fumble around with taking my shirt off as I sit up.

                “You should probably keep that on, Ry. Spencer and William are going to be home soon and I’m going to need you to get out of the house until tomorrow so that we can set up everything,” there’s a small creak in the bed and then I quickly sigh as Brendon kisses down the nape of my neck.

                “You just got home today. I haven’t seen you in a week and all you can do is rush me out of the house. The worst part is that I’m already horny and you’re going to just send me off like a—Oh,” my voice cuts off suddenly as Brendon’s hand slowly glides down my stomach.

                “Do you want me to top? It’s been a while but—“

                “We don’t have to do this at all if you don’t want to, Brendon. I can just go excuse myself and go take a shower if you aren’t comfortable. We already did it once today and I don’t want to overwhelm you. We have the rest of our lives for this,” I breathe out. His hand stops at my belly button.

                “Sorry—I—I don’t want to right now—but you seemed upset so I—“

                I quickly turn around to face him and clasp our hands together, “Hey. I can wait. I can wait for the rest of my life if need be. I’ll be the cleanest person in the world—but I can wait. I love you and the fact that you don’t want to have sex right now won’t change it”

                “I just—I see him a lot. It’s worse now that he’s still here. I’m afraid that I’m just going to randomly see him somewhere and I’ll breakdown and no one will be able to help me. I feel safe with you, Ryan, but he’s still there. I want him gone,” he sniffles.

                “How about we just cancel the party and we can just invite Spencer and William over and have some cake? I’m sure Pete and Patrick and the rest of their group would love to come too. I hear that they have a band so maybe you could sing with them? I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, Brendon and I’m sorry that I might be suffocating you a little but I just want to make sure that you’re okay”

                “You deserve an amazing birthday, Ryan,” he whispers sounding completely broken.

                “I’m okay with not having a huge birthday party, Bren. My past few birthdays I haven’t spent with anyone but people who I’ve partied with. Having you, Spencer, and William with me is more than I could have ever hoped for,” I squeeze his hands and give him a half smile. “I can tell William to cancel the party. He’ll take care of everything”

                “Can we just—talk about him and what we should with him?”

                I lay back down on my side, and pull Brendon down with me. He quickly finds a comfortable position with his cheek on my chest. “I’m sure William wouldn’t be against killing him if he knew what happened between you and him”

                “What if no one believes me, Ry? I don’t have any proof and I’ve known loads of guys and girls who think that guys can’t raped,” his body starts to shake, “and I don’t want anything to happen to you”

                “Cinderella just got her glass slipper back and her prince,” I run my fingers through his dirty hair. Hospital must have not washed it. “Did you know that Cinderella eventually did tell someone how her stepsisters and stepmother were treating her? They got punished.”

                “They’re only Disney villains, Ryan. He’s—real”

                “We should at least tell Zack”

                “He’ll kill him”

                “Might not be a bad idea,” I grumble under my breathe.

                “Wasn’t it you who said that not all villains should get a horrible ending? Look at your mom. She came willingly and risked your Dad finding out because she still loves you, Ryan. Maybe Brent just needs some tim—“

                “My mother didn’t rape you, Brendon. Brent did and he should be punished for what he did. It’s not fair that he gets to walk around on the streets completely fine and you’re suffering. And my mother hasn’t even accepted us being together. She completely avoided the question when I asked her. I would much rather her not be in my life and feel comfortable with who I’m with than have her in my life and feel like I’m disappointing her”

                “Did I overstep by bringing your mother back? I should asked first I’m sorry,” he whimpers.

                “No, Bren. You didn’t overstep. It was really sweet that you went through all that trouble to get my mom here and convince her to visit me. I just—stop changing the subject”

                “My parents want me to come back to California with them when they leave in a few weeks. They said that I haven’t shown that I’m really serious about my music career. I don’t want to leave, Ry. I like it here with you and Spencer, and William. I can’t go back and leave you guys,” his voice vibrates against my chest as I run my fingers down his hair.

                “I would go with you if you asked me to”

                “I couldn’t ask you to leave William and Spencer behind”

                “I can’t just let you leave and never see you again, Brendon. I’ve grown attached to you and your Disney freakish ways”

                “But William and Spencer—“

                “They can survive without me. I can’t survive without you,” my breathing quickly matches his. “I’ve grown attached to you, Brendon and I can’t imagine life without you now”

                “I don’t want to go back to California even if you did come back with me. My old life and my mistakes are back there. Going back means that I’m going back to my old life and what happened with Brent. I don’t want to go back,” he whimpers. Fuck. Think quick Ryan. Think quick—Spencer. Spencer plays drums. And I still have those songs that I wrote.

                “What if I got you a band? Would that show your parents that you’re taking things seriously?”

                “You haven’t even heard me sing. Maybe I’m just not destined to be a musician. I still have an English degree to fall back on. I could teach”

                “Brendon, you are a bigger kid than the kids who you would be teaching. You wouldn’t be assigning any homework and you would just put on a Disney movie and sing along to it while the kids look at you like you’re insane. It would be movie time every class,” I chuckle.

                “My class is going to be centered on fairytales and what we can learn about them and apply them to our daily lives,” he responds lazily as if he’s rehearsed that a thousand times.

                “How did I end up with such a smart boyfriend?”

                “Hmm,” he pauses and then wets his lips, “it was totally your face when you come”

                “That’s totally not fair! I hadn’t had sex in almost two years! I was totally backed up”

                “You mean you didn’t even have some one on one time with your left hand?”

                “Me and sex is complicated. Jon had always complained that I was horrible at it and that I was such a tease. When I topped earlier I was scared shitless that I would mess up somehow. He made and ruined my self-esteem all at the same time. After he died I was scared that I would even mess up on myself. Sex was pretty much meaningless until you came along, Brendon. Everything changed when you came along as corny as that sounds,” my mouth quickly spills out words that I don’t even know.

                “Am I your glass slipper?” He smirks.

                “I thought that we were Aladdin and Jasmine? You can’t confuse me”

                “I think my corniness is rubbing off on you, Ryan”

                “Oh shut up and kiss me before Cinderella gets her happy ending,” I stick my tongue at him. He smiles back at me. Okay. Maybe I’m turning into a Disney freak too.


	11. Bottom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So have Brendon and Penny been introduced?” William asks tiredly and rubs his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just letting you guys now, I'm slowing down to once a week for this fanfiction.   
> Every Monday I'll be updating this fanfiction, until I finally write a chapter for this...

**Chapter 11: Bottom**

* * *

                “So have Brendon and Penny been introduced?” William asks tiredly and rubs his eyes. Spencer must be wearing him out. Good for them. They both deserve to have each other.

                “Penny has been hiding for most of today. She doesn’t take kindly to new people, even if it is Brendon,” I suppress a yawn, and glance at the clock—3pm. I’m starting to think that time just hates me. Brendon is going to send me off to Spencer and William’s apartment—it’s not that bad since Brendon made them take his money to pay for it—because of the party soon. I’ve kept trying to cancel party because of Brent but he won’t agree. Stubborn boy.

                “I’m sure that he’ll love her. She’s like your child before your child,” he mutes the flatscreen TV and looks over at me, “You still regret me putting Amorephine in your brownies?” He grins and I roll my eyes. I don’t know if I regret it, because if he hadn’t I wouldn’t have gotten to know Brendon. But I hated that William had to go to prison to pull my head out of my ass and that Brendon had to go through me not loving him anymore. Spencer wouldn’t be in my life either though. And William wouldn’t be together with him.

                “Have you talked with Spencer about how far you want the relationship to go?” I quickly change the subject. William shrugs his shoulders and unmutes the TV.

                “We just want to live in the moment. If we break up or last forever, we do. If there’s a drunken night and we get married at one of the drive through weddings, we do. We’ve only been together for a week. We’re still working things out”

                “Obviously sex is not one of those things that you’re still working out,” I snicker and he playfully bats at my shoulder. “Am I right that Spencer is a bottom? Judging by the noises he made when you stayed here I’m sure that I’m right”

                “I plead the fifth,” he smirks and glances back at the TV, but then side glances at me, “Have you heard of the dude’s a bottom song? It describes Spencer”

                I fist pump into the air, “I knew that I was right!”

                “’Hat are you ‘ight about?” Spencer’s voice asks from the doorway to the kitchen and the living room as he munches down on chips.

                “I was talking about my party and if Brendon hired a band or not. I asked William if we were going to have one, and he said that we were going to have one. I knew that he was going to have one, so I guessed correctly,” I bullshit my way through.

                “William? Why the hell did you tell him that? You didn’t tell him which band is playing at least, right?” Spencer narrows his eyes at him.

                “We weren’t talking about bands, Spence. He asked me if you were a bottom and I answered that you were. He didn’t even know that we hired a band,” William responds. Wait, Brendon seriously hired a band? I shouldn’t be surprised but I am. I don’t know how he managed to set everything up so quickly and keep things a secret from me.

                “’E rotate, ‘Illiam!” He tries to say through a full mouth of chips.

                “I’m going to let you two lovebirds work out ‘whatever this is’,” I get up from the couch, “I’m going to go talk to Brendon before he kicks me out”

                “I thought that he was with you,” Spencer raises his eyebrow, his mouth now empty. “He said that he wanted to talk about the schedule and when you can come back tomorrow”

                “No? I thought that he was out in the kitchen with you,” I stare down at my hands which are now shaking. Something is wrong. I can feel it in my bones.

                “Why don’t you call him? He probably went out for more supplies or a card,” William suggests as he flips through channels. How can he stay calm right now? Brendon is missing and Brent is still in Nevada. He could have done something to him and—

                “Just calm down, Ryan. I’ll call him, alright? He couldn’t have left the house without you seeing him walk through the door,” Spencer says softly, suddenly in front of me. “He wouldn’t have just left the night before your party” He might have if something happened. He had already said that he would run if something happened. But he said that he would take me with him.

                “He—He might have left if B—Brent did something,” I stutter out, not able to keep the secret to myself anymore. It could be Brent’s fault and if William and Spencer know they can help find him.

                “Who is Brent?” William asks and then mutes the TV.

                “H—He’s Brendon’s ex. H—He r—raped Brendon,” I feel like my legs might buckle from underneath me. “H—He’s in Nevada”

                “Let’s not jump to any conclusions, Ryan. There’s another explanation. We haven’t checked all of the rooms yet. Nothing happened to Brendon,” William says softly.

                “What about me?” Brendon’s voice announces from the doorway. He’s fine. He’s safe. Before I know what’s happening I’m running towards him and pulling him into a tight hug. I quickly bury my head into his shoulder and breathe in his scent that I love so much. “Did I miss something?”

                “I thought that something happened to you,” I mumble into his shoulder. He wraps his arms around my waist and I instantly melt into his hug.

                “I’m fine, Ry. I was just upstairs wrapping something,” he whispers into my ear.

                “Don’t make me leave tonight, Bren. Let Spencer and William stay here and set everything up. We can go to their apartment—somewhere—I don’t want to leave you right now”

                “Brendon, who is Brent?” Spencer’s voice interrupts the moment. Fuck. I just told William and Spencer what happened with Brent. Shit.

                “Spencer, let’s not get into this right now,” William’s voice gritty and rough. “’It’s not even our business. It’s Brendon’s business. Just like Jon is yours”

                “Jon was in the past, William. You and I both know that”

                “Ryan? Did you tell them what happened with Brent?” Brendon asks and then quickly pulls away from me. I messed up. Fuck.

                “I—“

                “I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to tell anyone! It’s my secret, Ryan! I didn’t tell William that you tried to have sex with Spencer when you were drunk last year!” Brendon yells, throwing his hands up in the air. H—He’s yelling. He’s mad at me. He could easily hit me.

                “You tried to have sex with Spencer? What the hell, Ryan?!” William screams from the couch. Too much yelling. Too much. I stare down at my hands which are now shaking like crazy.

                “S—S—S—sorry,” I manage to stutter out before falling onto the floor, unable to move my arms or legs. What’s happening? I—I can’t move. I stare up at Brendon who is screaming at me, but I can’t hear anything. It’s like someone muted him and kept the show going on. I try to croak out a sentence—a word—something but nothing comes out. My brain isn’t working with the rest of my body and senses. Brendon moves onto the floor and is shaking me while screaming but I can’t hear him just like earlier. Am I having one those episodes from when I heard that I could trigger him?

                “Ryan! Can you hear me?!” Brendon’s voice suddenly assaults my ears. “What’s wrong with him!? He’s not answering me!” He sounds frantic and panicked.

                “This happened earlier when he found out that you might not feel comfortable with him after what happened in the house, and that he could trigger you,” William’s calm voice says.

                “Why would you tell him something like that, William? Shit—I shouldn’t have yelled at him like that. I probably reminded him of his Dad—fuck. Should we call 911?” Brendon’s voice is once again panicked.

                “I think that he might just be having a panic attack,” William’s voice once again calm, “After he had his episode I did some research and all of the symptoms matched up. Just give his brain a minute to recover” A fucking panic attack? What the hell? I thought that something was permanently wrong with me. I can get over a panic attack. And why isn’t William freaking out?

                “His legs gave out—fuck. Should I cancel the party tomorrow? Is he going to be okay? I shouldn’t have asked him to keep a secret like that,” Brendon sighs, “can he hear me?”

                “Yeah, he can hear you. He just can’t really respond. I’m going to go talk to Spencer. Relationships suck sometimes,” William grumbles and then gets up from the couch and walks into the kitchen. Spencer went into the kitchen? When that happened? Did they have a fight?

                “Ry—William says that you can hear me right now. I don’t know if you really can, but I’m going to talk to you anyway. It’s funny how full circle this thing is. Just a few weeks ago—can you believe it hasn’t even been a month yet—me and William found you crashed out on your shitty apartment’s floor. God—I’m sorry for yelling at you for telling them what happened with Brent. They’re your best friends. I shouldn’t have forced you not to tell anyone. I’m a shitty boyfriend,” he sighs and I feel like my heart is breaking.

                I shouldn’t have told William and Spencer what happened. I should have assumed that Brendon was safe. He has Zack to keep him safe so there was no way for Brent to get inside. Why did I just ruin everything? Did I do it purposely because I was so happy? And why am I so needy?

                “If you want me to cancel the party and we can just sit around and eat ice cream and watch Disney movies—actually whatever movies you want—we can do that. I just—I wanted to make sure that you had an amazing birthday. That’s why I flew your mom in and couldn’t talk to you for a week. I was afraid that I would spill everything that I was working on. If _you_ want the party to happen then we can leave Spencer and William here. We can get a hotel room and order room service. Just—I love you and if you want me to file charges against Brent I will. You’re the only person I have right now. I can’t lose you” How could he think that he would lose me? I love him and nothing will ever change that. And he worked so hard on that party we should go. I wouldn’t oppose to the hotel room. I haven’t spent a night with him in a week and I’ve missed him so much. Mouth, you better not fail me now.

                “H—Hotel?” I manage to stutter out. Brendon’s face instantly lights up and I can’t help but smile. “Hey Jasmine”

                “You scared the shit out of me, Ryan. I thought that I had lost you,” he breathes. “I’ve grown an attachment to you, Aladdin”

                “Saying that you’re grown an attachment to me is probably the most romantic thing I’ve ever,” I say sarcastically and roll my eyes. I sit up slowly and feel the blood circulate down my body. “So were you serious about the hotel thing? My parents could never really afford vacations or hotel rooms so I’ve never actually been in one before. When me and Jon did our roadtrip we just slept in the car” Brendon smiles and nods his head.

                “If you haven’t been in a hotel now is the perfect time. I’m about to privilege you, Ryan Ross,” he leans down and gives me a slight peck on my lips.

                “I can’t wait, Brendon Urie” I smile back at him. With Brendon I can beat these panic attacks to the ground. He says that he’s going to privilege me, but I’m already so privileged. Privileged with love and friends, and happiness. I don’t know how I can get happier.


	12. Laid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE FINALLY FINISHED LOVE IS A TEN LETTER WORD!  
> It'll end on chapter 62, and an epilogue may be added later.

**Chapter 12: Laid**

* * *

                I lied. Standing in the Bellagio hotel right outside of our hotel room made me happier and giddier than I thought possible. And I think that Brendon can tell. He booked the most expensive room—he said he wanted to treat me—and made sure to show me the casino, the multiple restaurants, the ballroom—every part of the hotel before we actually got to the room with our bags.

                He was like an excited little puppy who couldn’t keep still no matter how hard I tried to calm him down. It worked until he went into the hotel shops and had a massive shopping spree. He’s as bad as William when it comes to shopping. He forced me to try on clothing that cost more than my parents’ house and my rent combined. If he meant to privilege me with this hotel—and the clothes he bought me at the shop—he certainly has before we even got through the door to our room.

                “You would think that since I pay enough for this room,” Brendon huffs as he pulls his key card out of his pocket, “they would send someone to help us with our bags”

                “They’re probably really busy, Bren. It’s the end of summer so everyone is trying to get their vacations in before it’s school time again. I’m surprised that you even got a room,” I shrug my shoulders, and then groan as the weight of the bags start to get to me. He packed his entire Disney DVD collection. Why he couldn’t just watch them on the TV in the room I don’t understand. I’m sure you could rent them through OnDemand.

                “Money talks, Ry. Throw enough money at it and it normally goes away,” he says with a sigh and inserts the keycard into the door. He quickly pushes open the golden doors and I quickly follow behind as he walks into the living room. I quickly absorb and—holy shit. This room is bigger than my fucking apartment and I haven’t even seen the whole room. Is this how Brendon is used to living?

                “Just throw your bags anywhere,” he says and then throws his bags onto a chair that probably costs more than I do. This is what rich looks like. I hike the bag up on my shoulder more. “Just relax, Ry. My parents used to book rooms like these all of the time. It’s like a mini house”

                “I’m not used to being scared that I’ll knock something over and I’ll have to sell my kidney to afford to pay it back,” I gulp. Brendon rolls his eyes, and grabs the bags from my shoulder and throws them with the other bags. He wraps his arms around my waist and smiles.

                “Don’t worry about whether or not you’re going to knock something over. Don’t worry about anything, alright?” his voice is gentle.

                “What if I break something that can never be replaced? I could like break The Mona Lisa,” I bite at my lip. I’m the clumsiest person in the world. I could do some real damage in here.

                “The Mona Lisa isn’t here. Hotels will only put out things that can be easily replaced in case something happens to the items. Don’t be scared” He kisses my nose. “Come on—you should see the view” He quickly removes his arms around my waist, and pulls me by my hand to the window that’s behind the furniture. He quickly plants me in front of me and I can’t help but sigh happily as I stare out the window. The bright lights of the Strip and the city stares back at me.

                “I used to be down there, you know?” I ask him. He wraps his arms around my waist in response. “It looks different from up here versus when you’re down there”

                “Anything can look beautiful when you look far away. When you get closer is when you decide if it’s beautiful or not,” he kisses the nape of my neck and I hum in response. “It’s why Las Vegas looks so beautiful when you’re in a hotel room on the hundredth floor versus when you’re just standing there on the ground. You can’t see all of the people who are horrible from up here. You can be naïve and think that everything is perfect with that city when it’s really not”

                “No city is perfect, Bren. That’s why there’s so many. There’s always cities that have problems, and can’t figure out to deal with them. Sometimes it take those cities time to figure out a way to hope with them. The tourists just have to figure out how to wait. But in the end they’ll always find a way to be together and they’ll always love each other no matter what,” my voice is gentle, hoping that Brendon will get the metaphor. We both have so many problems. Some that we might not be able to even tell each other about until later. Or even recognize about ourselves. But I still love him problems and all.

                He kisses the side of my neck and then pulls back, “I’m going to take a shower. Would you like to join me? I hear that the water pressure is amazing”

                “Are yo—“

                “I’m ready, Ry. I’m sorry for blowing up on you at the house. I just—I didn’t want it to come out like that. And I’m sorry for causing you to have a panic attack. I just—Sorry. Sorry for making it seem like I am ready and then suddenly backing out of it,” he sighs.

                “We just had sex earlier today, Bren. If that’s all you want to have today, that’s fine. Sex isn’t a huge part of our relationship and I want to make sure that you know that. Just being with you is enough, Brendon,” I turn around in his arms to face him, “I love you, Brendon and if you never want to kiss or have sex, or even touch me I would be okay with that”

                “Sex was always taught to me that you only do it to make someone happy, Ry. Brent didn’t just my virginity he took what I thought sex was about. My parents told me that you were supposed to have sex when you loved someone. But he changed that,” he looks down at the floor, “you were taught that you weren’t good at sex, but I was taught that it was only used to make someone happy”

                “Let’s just forget it then, Brendon. Why don’t you go take a shower and I’ll put our clothes away?” Brendon sighs and then nods. I wish that I could tell him that I want to have sex with him again. But he still seems so broken. I have room to talk, but I don’t want to hurt him. I’m stuck between wanting to be with him and not wanting to hurt him. It’s not fair by any amount.

                “Why don’t you order some room service too? Pick whatever you want. Don’t worry about the price,” he looks up at me and then kisses my nose. “But first I had something that I wanted to give you”

                I groan, “Brendon, I don’t need anything else. You’ve given more than enough already”

                “It’s just something small that I ordered online,” He smiles and unwraps his arms around my waist and roots through one of his bags, “would you mind closing the door? It’s freezing in here even with the fireplace going” I nod and walk towards the door, but then stop to look into the powder room. Really? Marble in the bathroom? In a powder room? If this is how a powder room looks how does the full size bathroom look? How many fucking bathrooms are there?

                “I honestly don’t know why you had to pay for the most expensive room in the fucking Bellagio hotel. I would be perfectly okay with Motel 6 or something cheaper—Brendon! Who puts flowers in a bathroom?!” I hear Brendon chuckle from outside of the bathroom. I pull my head out of the bathroom and then close the door to it. “Seriously though, who puts flowers in a bathroom? I don’t go to a bathroom to admire the marble—I go in there to pee and shower” I roll my eyes and walk pass the handrails and the glass screens underneath them—who the hell puts glass near the door—and close the door to the room. “This room is just too much,” I turn around to face Brendon who is holding a wrapped present.

                “Happy birthday, Ryan!” He smiles and skips over to me with the present in his arms. The birthday candle wrapping paper stares back at me. He thrusts the box towards me. “Go ahead and open it! I know that you’ll like it. William helped me pick it out”

                “I thought that you said that it was something small,” I cock my eyebrow and then accept the box from Brendon. It feels like air. “Did you give me air?” He rolls his eyes and folds his arms.

                “Just open it, Ry. I promise you’ll like it”

                “Are you sure? Because William has a warped sense of humor. He got us those lubes and—“

                “We did use them, didn’t we?” He cocks his eyebrow and I instantly flush.

                “Well—yeah—but”

                “Open the gift, Ryan. I haven’t showered in days. I can actually feel dirt collecting on my scalp minute by minute and I’m hungry”

                I grumble and run my finger underneath the flap of the wrapping paper and grin at Brendon.

                “If you don’t open it, I’ll open it for you,” his voice bordering on annoyed.

                “I haven’t gotten a present in a while so I’m taking my time,” I bite at my lip. That was true. Brendon sighs. “Fine—fine” I stick my tongue out at him, and tear the wrapping paper off. A white gift box stares back at me. “You got me a box?”

                “It’s inside—just open the box,” his voice teetering on excitement.

                “If you got me a porn DVD,” I run my finger along the sides of the box and pull the tape off, “then I swear to god that I will break up with you right now” I pull the top off of the box and let it fall to the ground. “It’s just tissue paper”

                “Move the tissue paper—just—move the tissue paper,” he sounds like he might burst into a million pieces. It must have been really hard to keep whatever this a secret.

                “You sound like,” I pull the tissue paper up and stare down at what looks like airline tickets. “Are we going on a trip to somewhere?” I look up at Brendon who has a giant ass smile on his face.

                “Check underneath it”

                “Alright then,” I pick up the airline tickets—there’s two for me and Brendon—and hand them to Brendon. I look back into the box and—no fucking way. No fucking way. He didn’t really get me tickets to see Green Day. These must be fake and it’s a cruel joke. I quickly snap my head back up to stare at Brendon who is only smiling.

                “It’s real, Ryan. You’re going to see them in November. Me and William did some research and—“ I drop the box and tackle him to the ground, pressing a hard kiss to his lips. He chuckles through the kiss. I pull back and stare down at him.

                “What’s so funny?”

                “If I knew this was how you are going to react I would have done this a while ago,” he kisses my nose and then smirks. “You having a good birthday so far?”

                “Brendon, I don’t think it could get any better”

                “What would you say if we’re flying to see them in California—you saw that airline tickets—and we were going to meet them?”

                “I don’t know. But we aren’t going to meet them are we?”

                Brendon bites at his lip—stop that—and leans forward and kisses my nose again, “Would you join me in the shower if that was happening?”

                “Probably”

                He grins, “We’re going to meet Green Day and fly into California with VIP passes. I already booked the hotel and have everything set up. William and Spencer are going to take care of Penny while we’re away and house sit for us,” he pauses while I lay on top of Brendon in shock.

                We’re going to meet Green Day and I’m getting to see them in concert for the first time. William and Spencer are going to take care of Penny and house sit for us. I’m going to fly to California. I’m going to finally get out of Nevada. With Brendon.

                “So, can I get that shower now or later?” Brendon cocks his eyebrow and tucks his fingers around the hooks of my jeans. Fuck. I want this. I really do want this. More than anything.

                “Did you get me that gift just so that you would get laid?” I smirk, hoping that I sound somewhat confident.

                “Did it work?”

                “Oh yeah—totally”


	13. Towel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brendon towels off his hair as he stands in the bathroom doorway in his boxers. I can’t help but smile and stare at him from our amazing bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise you that I will be uploading the end of this story soon.  
> College has been killing me.

**Chapter 13: Towel**

* * *

                Brendon towels off his hair as he stands in the bathroom doorway in his boxers. I can’t help but smile and stare at him from our amazing bed. I swear, I don’t think I’ve been in a bed more comfortable than this. The pillows were a little much—who the hell sleeps with a million pillows?—and so was the ‘romance package’ but this room is amazing. I rest my head back onto my pillow and sigh happily.

                “Are you staring at me, Mr. Ryan Ross?” Brendon asks and then grins. I shrug my shoulders and pull the thousand count covers over my head. “Don’t you try and hide from me!”

                “Why ever would I do that?” I stick my head out and stick my tongue out at him then stick my head back under the covers. I can’t help but let a giggle slip through my lips. Maybe I’m still in post orgasm haze, but I’m so incredibly happy right now.

                “So have you decided what you’re going to get from room service yet? We’re supposed to have a twenty four seven butler but I guess that’s not happening,” there’s a shift in the bed as another body lies down next to me. I poke my head out of the covers and smile at Brendon who is flipping through what looks like a mini menu. “How does filet mignon sound?”

                “Filet what?” I grab the menu from Brendon and run my eyes down the menu. “What the hell is an Artisan Pizza? Did an artist make the pizza? And should I be afraid that I’m going to be eating paint?” Brendon chuckles beside me and then grabs the menu back.

                “Filet mignon is a steak cut of beef taken from the smaller end of the tenderloin, or psoas major of the beef carcass, usually a steer or heifer,” he recites as if from his memory, “and an Artisan Pizza is just a fancy way of saying pizza. If you say it in a fancy text it sounds more expensive so that they can charge top dollar for a slice of pizza”

                “Are their pizzas any different than what we normally order?”

                “I’m pretty sure that they get their pizzas from Pizza Hut but just put it on fancy plates so that it looks like it’s their own pizza,” he says with a chuckle and then turns the page. “How about shrimp?”

                “I would be okay with anything, Brendon. You could get me Subway or even bread and I would be okay. I’m not picky about things that I eat,” I yawn and move closer to Brendon. I don’t know how he can just lay around in boxers and nothing else. Not that I’m complaining about the view or anything. I just wish that I could be as confident as he is.

                “I could always call down and have them pick up Subway if you really want that,” he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me closer. I let a small sigh fall from my lips and rest my head on his chest. “How about a vegetable wrap for you? I know how much you love to be healthy and all that shit”

                “Sure,” I yawn again, feeling increasingly tired, “I’m honestly okay with anything” Brendon puts the menu down on his lap and kisses the top of my head. “Hmm? Something wrong?” I look up at Brendon who is staring down at me with a goofy smile on that beautiful face that I could never get tired of looking at and kissing. God—I love him so much.

                “You know how you I said that I hate weddings and everything having to do with them?” He runs his long fingers through my hair and my body instantly melts. I hum back in response not able to move. I’m way too relaxed and comfortable to even move my eyes from his. “I wouldn’t hate having a wedding as long as you are the one who I’m marrying”

                “You—“

                “I could see myself marrying you in the future, Ryan Ross,” he smiles.

                “I could see myself marrying you in too, Brendon Urie,” I lean up and brush my lips against his, teasing him slightly then instantly pull back.

                “Are we going to eat anytime soon?” He runs his hands down my sides and I let out a choked moan. I cannot be horny again while he’s hungry. Having sex—or even a blowjob or a handjob—can’t happen while he’s eating. We already tried that a few weeks ago. It resulted in a salad being tossed in more than one way. And—weren’t we just talking about weddings? And didn’t Brendon basically say that he would marry me in the future?

                “Did you just say that you want to marry me when the time is right, Brendon?” I sit up on my elbows on each side of Brendon and roll over onto my left side to face him.

                “Well—yeah,” he rolls over onto his side to stare at me, “when I was in the hospital for that week the only thing that kept me sane was thinking about how excited you were going to look when your mom showed up and when you opened that gift. You make me happy every single second of every single day” He runs his calloused thumb over my lips and smiles.

                “It can’t be every single second of every single day. You’re forgetting about the time when you’re sleeping. And it’s impossible to be happy all of the time. How would you be able to know that you’re happy if you aren’t sad at some point?” I say with a shrug of my shoulders.

                “Who’s the smart one now?”

                “Sometimes I say smart things. The majority is just me talking about random shit”

                “I like hearing about the random shit. You’re entertaining”

                “Oh. Entertaining, I am. I see what this is relationship is all about. I’m your movie then”

                Brendon rolls his eyes and rolls back onto his back, then continues flipping through the menu. “I’m just going to get us a pizza,” he looks over at me, “that seems to be our food of choice”

                I glance over at him, and then back up at the crème colored ceiling, “You’re the only rich person that I know that lives on a steady diet of pizza, Redbull, and Disney movies”

                “You know another rich person that isn’t me?”

                “Totally, Brendon. He’s my sugar daddy,” I roll my eyes and then look over at Brendon who is reaching for the phone on his side of the bed. I instantly feel a twinge of guilt. I should pay for this. Relationships are about buying each other things. Not expecting one person to pay for everything. “Do you want me to pay for half of it?” No you can’t pay for half of it—not even a quarter of it. You haven’t checked your bank account in days because you’re afraid to see the negative balance. You’re surprised that your phone hasn’t been shut off yet or that your landlord hasn’t called you demanding your rent for next month.

                “It’s your birthday, Ryan. I’m treating you. Stop worrying about money,” he says sternly, and then picks up the phone from the receiver. “Why don’t you go and pick out a DVD to watch while we eat?” I nod softly, and roll out of bed, my feet now cold against the floor. I look down at the ground as my feet carry me out of the room and into the long hallway.

                I shouldn’t feel guilty about having Brendon pay for everything. But I haven’t really given him anything back. He has said that I’ve made him feel safe, but anyone could have done that. Another guy could be in my shoes right now. They could be standing in the Bellagio Chairman suite with Brendon Urie—the guy who makes my heart race every time I see him. Brendon could have picked someone richer who could actually get him things that he wants. Hell—I had to ask him to pay for a gift that was supposed to be for him. I offer nothing for Brendon.

                I sigh to myself and walk by the conference room—who the hell has a conference room in a hotel room—and then the bar. I can’t imagine renting a room like this alone. It’s so empty and lonely. It could swallow you whole. Even with Brendon being here I feel like it could swallow me whole. I shiver to myself and reach the foyer where we put our bags down.

                After Brendon gave me my present we just tore our clothes off and headed for the closet shower. We didn’t care about putting up the do not disturb sign, or locking the door—nothing. We were just a mass of hormones and body parts. There was no thinking. No, ‘are you sure’s, or ‘I can wait’s. It was just sex.

                I take a seat next to the fire and drag over a blue Disney bag that Brendon packed. I’m honestly surprised that everything he wears isn’t Disney. I attempt to lift up the bag up onto the table but my muscles give out. What the fuck is in this bag? Cinderblocks? Guess I won’t be choosing a DVD from that bag then. I spot a bag that I packed and—Northern Downpour. I do have something for Brendon.

                I scramble to my feet—almost slipping on the floor in the process—and run over to the bag that I packed, and root through the bag. Condoms, lube, whips—okay William needs to stop sneaking things into my bags—finally! I pull the crumbled notebook paper out of my puke colored bag and feel the need to kiss it. Me and Spencer never finished tweaking things, but it’s still something that I have for Brendon. I might have never finished that CD for him, but who cares.

                I run through the hotel room and into our bedroom in time to see Brendon hang up the phone and sigh to himself.

                “You alright?” I ask him gently and hold the paper behind my back. He looks over at me with a faint smile and pats the space next to him on the bed. I roll up the paper and stick it in the back pocket of my jeans. I run over to my side of the bed and flop down on it. “What’s up?”

                “Can we just talk about it later? Today and tomorrow is all about you. Not about my stupid life,” he stretches, “pizza should be here soon”

                I nod, “So I got you something. It’s not much but—“

                “It’s supposed to be your birthday, not mine, Ry”

                “It’s just something small, Brendon. You’ll like i—“

                “I don’t fucking want it!” He snaps and I instantly recoil back into myself.

                “S—S—Sorry,” I splutter out, now shaking. “I’ll just—be in the next room—or something,” I mumble to myself and go to get up but Brendon grabs my hand to pull me back onto the bed.

                “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. Just—stay—please,” he pleads with me. I sigh and sit back down.

                “What’s going on, Brendon? You have to let me in or I can’t help you. I lost my mind reading ability when I entered elementary school”

                “Brent called me and—“

                “Where is he, Brendon and what did he say to you?”

                “It’s nothing, Ryan, he’s fin—“

                I grit my teeth, “What did he say, Brendon?”

                “He said that he loves me and that he’s sorry. And that he’s going to change—he’s—he’s in the lobby and—“

                “I’m going down there and I’m beating the shit out of him,” I spit out and roll out of bed. “He has no fucking right to call you after what he did. That piece of motherfucking trash”

                “He’ll just go away, Ry. It’s nothing to get upset about,” he whispers tiredly. Fuck no. I might have spaghetti arms and I’ll probably be sent to the hospital but Brent has crossed the line.

                “He has already hurt you enough, Brendon. I won’t let him do that agai—“

                “What’s Northern Downpour?” Brendon suddenly asks, “And why is it in your handwriting?” Shit.


	14. Pizza

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 9 more chapters left! Just a forewarning, you won't like the ending of this story.

**Chapter 14: Pizza**

* * *

                I stand there in front of Brendon, and my feet are frozen to the spot. No matter how much I want to go downstairs and beat the shit out of Brent—how did he even know where we were?—I can’t seem to move and my lips seem to be stuck together.

                “Isn’t this the song that you wrote after Jon passed away?” Brendon asks me, his eyes flickering from the sheet to me. “I understand that you’re still not over Jon but—“

                “I only wrote a few lyrics after Jon passed away. When you were in the hospital Spencer suggested that I write a few songs to get out what’s going on and more about me. I was feeling like we didn’t know a whole about each other so I was going to put that into my songs,” I blurt out, and then take a deep breathe, “Northern Downpour was written by me. For you. Not Jon. I love you. Not him.” I stare at Brendon defiantly, determined to get my point across. I didn’t want him to read my songs in this way, and I didn’t want him to think that I wrote a song about Jon.

                Brendon nods, and bites his lower lip, to suppress a slight smile, “You wrote a song about me?”

                I roll my eyes, “No, Brendon. I wrote it about the invisible person who is on the wall behind you. Of course I wrote it for you, asshole”

                “Can I—Can I sing it? I know that you might be a little hesitant with the lyrics—they are amazing, like wow—I don’t know how you want me to sing it. But—could I?” His voice pleads with me, and so do his big brown eyes. I sigh and then nod my head as I slide my left sock on. “Would you come back to bed and forget the Brent thing? He’s in the lobby and can’t get up here. He’s not worth the trouble”

                “He doesn’t deserve to treat you that way, Bren. No one does”

                Brendon sighs and puts the paper on his lap, “We’ll deal with it later. Just come cuddle with me and tell me how I should be singing this. I want to make sure it’s perfect” I nibble at my lip, complementing. I could go downstairs with my spaghetti arms and all and attempt to kill Brent and be thrown into jail. Or I could stay here with Brendon and wait for our pizza and—Brendon wins.

                I roll my eyes, and slip the left sock off, “Fine. But how did he even figure out you were here?”

                “My parents told him. I used their membership card so they must know I’m here. Brent asked them and then they told him,” he grumbles and then picks up the notebook paper, eyes glued to the paper, “I really need to start making my own money. I hate having my parents knowing where I am every second of the day”

                I hum back in agreement, and tear the right sock off me. “I might have a solution to that money problem and your band problem”

                Brendon looks up at me, “What do you mean, Ry? Me and William had tried to find band members for my band but no one was interested”

                I shrug my shoulders, and then walk over to my side of the bed, easily sliding in next to Brendon. “Spencer plays drums, I play guitar, and now we just need someone else to play the bass”

                “I’m starting to think that you should be my manager instead of Zack,” he smiles and then kisses the top of my head. He pulls me over to me, and I rest my head on his chest instinctively. He’s my safety blanket now not the guitar that I used to play two years ago. I trace I Love You into his chest with my fingers and then look up at Brendon whose eyes are slowly closing. His face laxes and his breathing calms down as if he was falling asleep. We haven’t even had pizza yet but I can’t bear to wake him up. Today has been exhausting for him. His heart rate starts to slow and then he twitches slightly.

                Yep. He’s fully asleep now with the notebook paper clutched in his perfectly calloused left hand. I suppress a yawn, feeling an urge to follow Brendon into sleep. I have to stay awake for the pizza and—you know what. Fuck pizza.


	15. Asshat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A loud pounding on the door wakes me up in what I feel like is 5 minutes later. I groan inwardly, silently cursing whoever is at the door. It may not be that late but still. Let me sleep.

**Chapter 15: Asshat**

* * *

                A loud pounding on the door wakes me up in what I feel like is 5 minutes later. I groan inwardly, silently cursing whoever is at the door. It may not be that late but still. Let me sleep.

                I grumble to Brendon, “Someone’s at the door—answer it, Urie”

                “Nu uh,” he mumbles from his half asleep half-awake self, “still asleep”

                “You’re supposed to be treating me for my birthday”

                “You’re on top of me. It would be much easier for you to get up and answer the door”

                “You’re the one with the credit card and the money,” I open one eye and look up at Brendon who also has one eye open, “I can’t really pay him”

                “This is totally not fair,” he grumbles and then pushes himself off the bed. I roll over into the middle of the bed as a result, instantly regretting the loss of heat. “Not awake enough for this”

                “Just go answer the door and get our pizza, asshat” I press my face into my pillow and close my eyes. Maybe if I try hard enough I can try to get back to sleep.

                “Shut up, Smoothie Boy,” he says teasingly and then his voice is gone and only his footsteps through the hotel room can be heard. I grumble to myself and pull the covers over me. Just a few more minutes of sleep and I’ll be fine. I’ll be able to get up then. My stomach growls in protest. I’m not hungry. I just need to sleep—sleep is good. But is food. Pizza is good. Sleep is good. I want to do both.

                I roll back into Brendon’s space and sigh happily. His spot is still warm. He always manages to stay warm somehow. He’s the warmth, I’m the cold. I bury my head into his pillow, breathing in his scent. My stomach growls again. This isn’t fair. I want to sleep. Just let me sleep—is that pizza I smell? My feet and my nose quickly carry me out of bed and out of our bedroom.

                I immediately spot Brendon who is sitting at the bar with the pizza and what looks like—did he seriously get sparkling cider? I really don’t deserve him.

                “Hey sleepyhead,” he says while staring down at the pizza box, “’bout time you got out of bed” He smiles and then looks up at me, those butterflies once again in my stomach. Every time I see him he amazes me with how amazingly beautiful he is. His brown hair which is always perfectly messy and his big brown eyes that remind me of a teddy bear. He’s my Brendon and I still can’t believe it.

                I rub the sleep out of my eyes and give him a half smile, “Not everyone is used to a thousand thread sheets, Brendon” I sit down next to him at the bar, the leather seat cold against my ass. Brendon shrugs and leans over to plant a small kiss on my cheek. I instantly blush and then look down at my hands. When did I suddenly get so shy?

                Brendon wets his lips, “You’re cute when you blush—well—you’re cute all of the time. But cuter—no—well” I quickly interrupt him with a kiss on his cheek and he’s the one blushing now.

                “So,” I stare at the sparklingly cider which is on Brendon’s left side, “you got sparklingly cider”

                “I thought that since neither of us drank anymore that it would be perfect,” he bites at his lower lip, “do you want to get something else? I can call down and ask them to bring up some wine or beer”

                I roll my eyes and smile, “It’s fine, Brendon. Everything right now is completely fine—perfect in fact. I don’t think things can get more perfect than this”

                Brendon cocks his eyebrow, and smirks, “Wanna bet?”

I lean over the edge of my chair and stare into his now pupil blown big brown eyes, “Are we going to eat at all tonight?”

“It might not be pizza, but we’re certainly going to eat well tonight,” he leans over and pulls at my lower lip with his teeth. I let out a choked moan. Maybe those Amorephine and Eurie pills did make him hornier. But I am completely okay with that. And I may not be eating pizza anytime soon. But I’m perfectly okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm uploading the rest of the chapters tonight (I promise you that), and maybe uploading the first chapter of Firewall.


	16. Housekeeping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Housekeeping is going to hate us,” Brendon giggles into my neck as we lay in bed in our post orgasm haze. I hum back in response.

**Chapter 16: Housekeeping**

* * *

                “Housekeeping is going to hate us,” Brendon giggles into my neck as we lay in bed in our post orgasm haze. I hum back in response. “So are you going to teach me how to sing Northern Downpour or do I just have to figure it out on my own?”

                “Too tired to sing,” I mumble into Brendon’s hair.

                “Could I sing it tomorrow at your party? I mean—if you want me too. I know that Jon influenced it and—“

                “Brendon, do you think that I only love you because Jon isn’t here? And if Jon was here I would have never been with you?” I say in one breathe and then look down at Brendon who has suddenly stilled. He cannot honestly think that—God damn it. “For being as rich as you are, you sure are dumb”

                Brendon sniffles, “If Jon were still alive then you wouldn’t have protected me and stood up to my mother. I would been back in California by now and Brent would have done something else. My life would have totally been different. I—I feel like a replacement. I—“

                “Brendon Boyd Urie, you are the most amazing man I have ever laid my eyes—and laid—in my life. If Jon were alive things would have still been different. I would have found out about him cheating on me with Spencer. He would have killed himself somehow. He was addicted for a while and I didn’t know it. We would have still gotten to his point. Now get your head out of your ass and understand that I love you and that’s not going to change,” I slap him softly against the back of his head and he laughs.

                “I don’t understand how you could love me, sometimes. I can’t even tell my parents that I don’t want to move back to California with them. And I can’t tell them what Brent did to me. I’m scared that they’ll disown me because they’re ashamed of me”

                “Brendon, they’re not going to be ashamed of you because of what happened with Brent. What he said was horrible. They won’t disown you because of that or because of any other reason. They love you and nothing will change that,” I take in a deep breathe, “You can tell them whenever you want too. If you aren’t ready for a few days, months, years—it’s completely up to you. Tell them when you’re ready and I’ll be there to support you. I’m not going to let you fall”

                “I love you, Ryan”

                “I love you too, Brendon”

                “Do you want pizza?”

                “Yeah”

                “Ryan?”

                “Hmm?”

                “I don’t want to move”

                “So don’t move then, Brendon”

                “But I’m hungry”

                “You should have brought the pizza in here before we went for a shower”

                “I regret that decision now”

                “Go get the pizza and I’ll teach you how to sing Northern Downpour”

                Brendon picks his head up, with a giant smile on his face, “Really?”

                I roll my eyes, “Are you sure that I’m younger?”

                He bats at my shoulder playfully, “I’m a kid at heart—so are you serious?”

                “Yes—I’m serious—now get some us some god damn food” Brendon speeds out of the room and I can’t help but smile. Who knew that I would fall in love with a human puppy dog?


	17. Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Happy birthday, Ryan,” is the first thing I hear when I wake up that morning, completely wrapped up in warmth—and Brendon.

**Chapter 17: Words**

* * *

                “Happy birthday, Ryan,” is the first thing I hear when I wake up that morning, completely wrapped up in warmth—and Brendon.

                “Morning, Brendon,” my voice still in sleep mode.

                “I need to leave soon to get ready for the party. I booked the hotel for today so that you could stay here until you could come back to the house,” he whispers into my neck and then brushes his lips down my shoulder blade. I sigh happily and instantly melt into his arms. “William and Spencer will be by later to pick you up and drive you home”

                “Can’t you just stay here with me and William and Spencer can take care of everything? It’s my birthday and you’re my present today,” I whine but then instantly gasp as Brendon bites my collarbone. “That’s not fair. You have to leave soon”

                “There’s always enough time, Ry,” he whispers into my ear and I sigh happily. I want to. So badl—I should call my mom if she hasn’t called me already. I need to make sure that’s she okay. Brendon had said that she would be, but I just need to make sure. “Are you up for a shower?”

                “I should call my mom—make sure that she’s okay. She’ll probably want to talk to me too”

                “Is everything alright? You regretting letting me throw you a party?” He kisses the nape of my neck. “Because I can totally cancel everything”

                “No just—my birthday has always been hard for me. You know that. It’s the first time in a while that I’m spending with people that I care about. It’s a shock for me. I’m not used to people actually caring about me after Jon died. But now I have you, William, Spencer, my mom, Zack—maybe sometimes—and Penny. This birthday is so totally different,” I breathe out, my mouth once again not catching up with my brain. Word vomit strikes again.

                “I didn’t mean to pressure you, Ryan. I know that today might be difficult for you. I just want to make sure that you feel utterly loved. Because you deserve to feel loved. More than anyone I have ever met,” he sighs and unwraps his arms from my stomach, “why don’t you order some breakfast from room service while I’m in the shower? I hear they have killer omelets”

                “Can you just stay with me for a few more minutes? You make me feel safe” I feel incredibly broken saying those words, but something has creeped up into my mind. It keeps reminding me that Jon is gone. And that my mother still hasn’t accepted me and that my father would rather leave Nevada than deal with seeing me in town. I feel so alone despite having Brendon right next to me.  

                “Did you have a nightmare? You can tell me about it,” he wraps his arms around my stomach again, and I feel like I can suddenly breathe again.

                “Please don’t leave me, Brendon. I don’t know what I would do without you,” I whisper to myself. He’s my life now. And I can’t imagine anything different.

                “Who would I even run to? I love you, Ryan Ross. Not anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my days with you and Penny—who I still haven’t met. I love you so much it hurts. I have a gunshot wound to prove it,” he says a smile present in his voice. But I don’t feel like smiling. I feel like running into the shower, turning it on hot, and drowning out the sobs that feel choked inside of me. And I don’t know why.


	18. Ken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Those feeling of crying are squashed when Brendon leaves and William and Spencer come through storming through the hotel room with arms full of clothing. I quickly look up from my bowl of cereal and roll my eyes.

**Chapter 18: Ken**

* * *

                Those feeling of crying are squashed when Brendon leaves and William and Spencer come through storming through the hotel room with arms full of clothing. I quickly look up from my bowl of cereal and roll my eyes.

                “Am I your personal Ken doll for today?” I say, my voice dripping of sarcasm. William must have rubbed off on Spencer too much with his fashion sense judging by his bejazzled jacket and black undershirt. Poor Spence—William has taken control of him and he’s never going to let go.

                “Oh shut up and enjoy your birthday, Ryan. Not every day that you turn twenty three,” William sing songs and shuts the door behind him.

                “That’s not what blink182 says,” I stir the spoon around in my bowl of now mushy frosted flakes, “don’t you know that no one likes you when you’re twenty three?”

                “That’s hardly the case,” William throws his armful of clothing over the couch and turns towards me, “Brendon invited a lot of people. I didn’t know that you had that many friends.”

                “How many people are we talking, Will? I just wanted something really small”

                Spencer speaks before he gets a chance to, “Close to a thousand. It’s amazing what he’s done in a week. He got a caterer and everything. The house is a madhouse right now”

                “I told him that he didn’t need to do all of that. I would more than okay just having cake at the house and having a normal birthday,” I whisper to myself.

                “Well too damn bad,” William puts his hands on his hips, “now finish up your cereal so that we can figure out what you’re going to wear”

                “What time do I have to be back to the house by? Brendon didn’t tell me anything last night except for that he’s going to be singing”

                “Wait. Brendon is going to be singing? When did this happen? He didn’t tell me about this. That’s going to throw the band off by fifteen minutes. Oh their manager is not going to like that,” William’s voice is frantic and pulls out a binder from almost thin air. He flips through the pages. “I’m going to go call him. Spencer, make sure that Ryan doesn’t lock himself in the bathroom to avoid going” William turns around and glides towards the door, opening and closing the door, his face in his binder. How he doesn’t manage to run into things or fall is beyond me.

                “So, are you excited for today?” Spencer asks me with a smile, and then sits down next to me at the bar.

                “Yeah. I guess. I didn’t really want such a big party though. You know my evasion to parties,” I give him a half smile and then stare back down at my cereal.

                “I promise you that it won’t be like those parties,” the chair creaks as he leans back in his chair, “I’m guessing that you told him?”

                I flicker my eyes over him and nod, shrugging my shoulders slightly, “He told me some things about his past, and I felt like I needed to tell him. We’re still learning a lot about each other, but I really do love him, Spence. More than anything in the world. He didn’t judge me when I told him how I tried to have sex with you, or when I wanted to kill myself and—“

                “You wanted to kill yourself? When did this happen and why didn’t you tell me, Ryan?” Spencer interrupts harshly and his eyebrows furrow.

                “I was going to kill myself after I walked home from the party that you rescued me at. I had bought the rope, the chair—everything. My plans obviously changed when you took me back to your place and made sure that I didn’t choke on my vomit. I guess that I could say that you saved my life”

                Spencer whistles and shakes his head sadly, his short brown hair flying. He stops abruptly and sighs, “Maybe Jon has been looking out for the both of us even after he died?”

                “How do you figure?”

                “He made sure that I would be at that party to save you, he made sure that William bought the Amorephine from me—yes he did buy that from me but lied to the cops to protect me—and drugged you. He made sure that William was attractive and that I had a crush on him. He made sure that Brendon walked through Smoothie Hut right when the Amorephine went off. Jon was a giant dick, but he did care in some fucked up way”

                I chuckle sadly, “Or maybe it was just fate—chance—something like that”

                “I don’t know if William will be able get over what me and Jon had in the past. He thinks that I’m still in love with Jon, and completely freaked out when he found out that you tried to have sex with me while you were drunk. We slept in separate rooms last night because he didn’t handle seeing me”

                “Do you want me to try and attack him with my spaghetti arms? Might not do too much damage, but….” I trail off, and Spencer chuckles.

                “I’m just afraid that he’s not going to be able to believe me that I’m over Jon. I was able to get over what happened between him and Gabe, but he’s not able to get over my past now. I don’t want my past to cause my future to never happen”

                “Yeah. I get that. William may seem like he doesn’t let things get to him, but he totally does. He’s a big baby when it comes to actually falling in love. He’s been with almost all of Vegas, but he’s never fallen in love—as much as he wants to. He might be double guessing your feelings, because he might really like you and doesn’t want to get hurt,” I shrug my shoulders, “William is also weird, so there’s that”

                “We haven’t really—you know—“ He blushes and stares down at his hands.

                “I thought that you already had? William had told me that you were a bottom, and the noises from when you two stayed at the house”

                “William just likes to tease me, and it was just dry humping. It hasn’t really happened yet. He wants to make sure that it’s special, and I do too. But it’s just—have you and Brendon yet?”

                I nod—there’s no use in not telling him. “We did yesterday when he got home from the hospital. On the kitchen table” His eyes bulge out of his head and I can’t help but laugh.

                “Me and William ate on that table last night! Oh my god!” He buries his head into his hands. “I’m never eating at your house ever again”

                “It could have been a whole lot worse. Brendon getting us a hotel room was the best idea that he could have ever made. Shower pressure is amazing here”

                Spencer moves one of his hands to look at me, “Should I be afraid to take a shower here too?”

                I roll my eyes, “There’s more than one shower here—I think there’s four total showers—and there’s been countless people here before us who have probably used the shower in the same way”

                “Remind me to book a hotel room at another hotel then,” he groans and picks his head up from his hands. “I heard that your mom came to see you, how is she?”

                I shrug my shoulders, “She’s alright, I guess. Her and my dad ended up moving to Washington and he’s tried to get his life back on track. He still can’t bear to hear my name though”

                “Has she accepted you being gay yet? From what William told me it seemed like she did on the phone and was completely okay with coming to visit you for your birthday”

                “Let’s just say that my mother is very two faced in that retrospect”

                Spencer elbows me, and gives me a faint smile, “I’m sure that she’ll come around. You and Brendon are too adorable together for her not to”

                “I don’t think that I need my mom in my life anymore, Spence. When my parents disowned me I missed them like hell. But two years later, I don’t need them. I have you, William, Brendon, and Penny. I don’t need anyone else. If my mom wants to accept me, she can. If she wants to be in my life, she can. But I don’t _need_ her, or my father”

                “You’ll at least give her a chance, right? She came all the way here, and she’s going to be at your birthday party tonight. William’s mom ignored him being gay for a while and—“

                “Of course I’ll give her a chance. I just don’t want to get hurt again, and be kicked out on the streets again. I can’t go back to that shitty apartment”

                Spencer nods, “So what’s Brendon singing?”

                “Northern Downpour,” I gnaw on my bottom lip.

                “You’re letting him sing on of your own? Isn’t that kind of risky? His range might not even match the song, and you’re not even done writing it”

                “I can tell you that his voice matches the song, perfectly, and we finished the song together. He’s going to sound amazing. Much better than me by far” Last night when I heard him sing the song I almost got my knees and sucked him off right then and there because I have a rockstar for a boyfriend.

                “William’s the same way! I sound like a tonedeaf whale compared to him!”

                “What about me?” William’s voice suddenly announces from the doorway to the hotel room, “And what are you doing not getting dressed, Ryan? We’re on a tight schedule”

                “We were talking about how anal retentive you are,” I tease with a snicker.

                “It’s not my fault that I want everything to do according to plan,” he says sternly and then walks into the hotel room, shutting the door behind him. “I thought that you were supposed to get getting him dress, Spencer”

                “I—“

                “Spencer was calming me down and trying to convince me to go the party. You shouldn’t be too hard on him, Will,” I wink at Spencer, and he lets out a deep sigh. “I’m going to go brush my teeth. Don’t use any of the _four_ showers while I’m gone” I bite back a smile, and get up from the bar. This might just be the best birthday I may ever have.


	19. Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They did totally take a shower together judging by William’s goofy smile and Spencer’s partly wet hair. Guess that William’s schedule did have time for sex after all.

**Chapter 19: Fuck**

* * *

                They did totally take a shower together judging by William’s goofy smile and Spencer’s partly wet hair. Guess that William’s schedule did have time for sex after all.

                I take a sip of my coffee and bite back a smile, “Did you steal any shampoo and conditioner while you were in the shower?”

                “They don’t have good shamp—“

                “We were not in the shower! Why would you think that?” Spencer quickly interrupts William and then starts to blush. Oh they totally were.

                “William’s mouth is larger than a woman addicted to plastic surgery, and you look like you just got drenched in a rainstorm. You had sex—don’t try denying it now”

                “But we—“

                “Sure—sure—you didn’t have sex and me and Brendon didn’t have sex in probably the same exact shower”

                “Spencer! You should have told me before I had the condom on that they had sex in the shower!” William yells and then slaps Spencer’s shoulder harshly.

                “They had sex in another shower, William! There’s four showers! Four showers! You didn’t even let me finish! You just pulled out and expected me to finish for myself!” Spencer screams and I suddenly feel the urge to blend into the walls and not be there.

                “Well I’m sorry that sex with me isn’t like it was with Jon! Why don’t you go and find some guy who’s exactly like Jon! Shouldn’t be hard to find! Just look for someone shooting up and you’ll—“

                The sound of Spencer’s flat hand slapping against William’s cheek vibrates through the room and for a minute a pin could drop and you could hear it. I’ve overstepped my bounds. I shouldn’t have forced them to admit it out loud. And it’s obvious that they aren’t as happy as I thought they were.

                “Don’t you dare say that about Jon when you were the one who drugged Ryan with Amorephine. You can never get over the fact that I don’t have a squeaky past and I’ve been with someone in the past. Jon has been gone for 2 years! 2 fucking years! I am over him and his asshole ways! Stop thinking that I’m not! I want to be with you, not Jon fucking Walker! When you actually get your head out of your ass and decide to accept me and my past I’ll be at Brendon and Ryan’s house” Spencer growls and storms out of the room, leaving the door wide open.

Go ahead, William. Chase after him. You’re supposed to chase after him and tell him that everything is fine. And that you’re sorry and—

                “Let’s find something for you to wear. Won’t be long before we have to be there,” William says carefully and then sniffles.

                “Shouldn’t you like—go talk to Spencer?”

                “I brought some scarves and makeup with me so that you can do your makeup while you’re here. Brendon said that you could wear anything,” he avoids the question and sniffles again. “I’m going to go pee—you can pick out something—so yeah—bathroom” William nods to himself and walks robotically towards the bathroom. What the fuck have I done?


	20. Elephants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So we’ve got Brendon singing that song, then the band, the slide show, cake, and then presents,” William rattles off as he pulls out of the hotel parking lot, “and we can’t forget your grand entrance on the elephant”

**Chapter 20: Elephants**

* * *

                “So we’ve got Brendon singing that song, then the band, the slide show, cake, and then presents,” William rattles off as he pulls out of the hotel parking lot, “and we can’t forget your grand entrance on the elephant”

                I roll my eyes and pull on my seatbelt, “I thought that you were joking about the elephant”

                “I don’t joke about party planner, Ryan. This shit is serious. Everything has to be right down to the second for the whole thing to go over well or everything will explode,” he stops at the red light, “we’ve got the band who have to be a flight right after they perform and—“

                “Are you talking to yourself out loud, or are you actually talking to me?” I interrupt William with annoyance. I would have much rather he go after Spencer then talk to me about party plans and how this has to happen when. I’m just going to be seeing everything at the party anyways.

                William scoffs and then steps on the gas when the light turns green, “I’m just letting you know that we have to be on time for everything. Not a minute off, Ryan. Brendon planned everything. It’s a good schedule, but everything can awry very easily”

                “You should talk to Spencer, Will. He loves you, not Jon fucking Walker,” I blurt out, and instantly bite at my lower lip.

                He sighs and keeps his eyes on the road, “He brings him up a lot, still.”

                “Of course he does, Will. Jon was a big part of his life, and mine”

                “What if I’m just a replacement, Ryan? He couldn’t have Jon so he’ll have me instead. Like—shit—I really do love him, but what if he finds out that I’m not like Jon at all? We already had sex, and it was this massive clusterfuck of what to do, and this wasn’t working. It was just horrible”

                “Sex isn’t all that great, William. I know that your past relationships have been pretty much physical, but there’s other types of being intimate. Spencer loves your voice—write a song for him or just sing for him. You two don’t have to have skin on skin contact to show that you love each other,” I shrug my shoulders, and stare out the window as the restaurants and hotels go whizzing by.

                “Well yeah but—“

                “You’re my best friend, William, so I’m going to be honest with you,” I look over at William, “If you hurt Spencer I’ll draw dicks on your face with sharpies, and it’ll be a rainbow of colors”

                “I won’t hurt him, Ryan. It’s just—how did Brendon accept you and Jon being together? It’s stupid for me and Spencer to be arguing over this, because I should have accepted it already. His past is his past, and I would normally be okay with that. But after Gabe—I just—“

                “You want to protect yourself, I get that, William. After Jon died, I didn’t let anyone in. When Spencer rescued me from that party I was about to kill myself when I got home. I had bought the rope, the chair—everything. You need to give him more credit and let him in”

                “Y—You wanted to kill yourself?” William squeaks out.

                “Yeah. Spencer saved me, now man up and apologize to your boyfriend when we get to the party. And don’t worry about the sex. Sex is so not an essential part of a relationship” I give him a half smile, and he nods then pulls into the driveway of Brendon’s house.

                “Just so that you know. I’m glad that Spencer saved you, and that you didn’t kill yourself. I can’t imagine living without my best friend, Ryan Ross,” he looks up at me, a small tear leaking from his left eye.

                “Aww—don’t you get soft on me now, William. Save the tears for Spencer, you’re going to need it to beg for his forgiveness,” I smile brightly and clap him on his shoulder, “and if you need a room for you and him, well then, my house is your house”

                “Thanks, Ryan,” he looks down at his fingers, “we should probably get inside. Brendon’s expecting us. He nixed the elephant idea and just wants you to walk inside”

                “Yeah—that’s probably the best bet. Riding other animals isn’t a talent of mine”

                “Oh? That’s not what Spencer told me about you and Brendon,” he cracks a smile and I push him playfully.

                “Come on, let’s get inside. Like you said, can’t be late now” Here goes nothing.


	21. Chapter 21

**Chapter 21: Future**

* * *

                I didn’t have anything to worry about with the party. Well, except for my fangirling habits, and Brendon’s wallet. Also the fact that William and Brendon as a party planning team scares me to death now. I’m planning on skipping my birthday next year so that I know that I’ll be safe from their parties. It’ll be easier since my mother didn’t show up at the party.

                She called an hour into the party and told Brendon that she had changed her mind. Brendon told me that it was because she was afraid that my father would catch her visiting me. But Brendon has gotten worse at lying. She didn’t want to come because she couldn’t approve of us. She never will be able to.

                “Don’t be a loner, Ryan,” Joe purrs, and then claps his hands on my shoulders, “come and join the last of the party”

                I shake my head slowly, “Pete told you how he’s closing Smoothie Hut?”

                “He sold the place to fund our first CD. He thinks that we really have a shot,” Joe shrugs his shoulders, his curls bouncing. “Brendon offered to pay for some of it. He said that it would be an investment, but we want to do this ourselves. Be a real band”

                I roll my eyes with a faint smile on my lips, “You guys are crazy”

                “We aren’t crazy, we’re Fall Out Boy”

                I chuckle and stare down at my red cup which is filled with sparkling cider, “You really think that you can make it? Nevada is a big state, Joe”

                “And yet you met Brendon, William met Spencer, and I met a midget, an Emo Elmo—he told me about that and I wish that you would have taken a photo—and a man made of beard. Fate and destiny works in weird ways”

                “Shit—I’m twenty two, Joe and how does it feel like I’m starting my life all over again? I have no idea what I’m going to do now. I dropped out of college before I could do anything”

                “I still live with my parents, I haven’t had a girlfriend in years and I have to deal with Patrick and Pete cooing. Somehow Andy uses his beard as earmuffs. If I can get through that then you can figure out what you want to do with your life”

                “I don’t want to leave or mess things up. I’m really happy. What if I mess it up? His parents aren’t approving of us—yet—and they pay for everything. What if I do something and—“

                “You are stupid if you think that Brendon is going to leave you. Have you seen the party he threw for you? I don’t think I’ve seen that mini wiener dogs in my life and he got you a fucking signed blink182 guitar—he’s not leaving you. If his parents don’t ever accept him, then you’ll find some way to make ends meet. Things will be okay, Ryan. Stop trying to bring back emo and join us in the living room. Pete, Patrick, Andy, and Brendon has this four part harmony thing going on. It was fucking _killer_ ”

                “I’m alright, Joe. Now run off and tell Spencer that I’m fine”

                Joe raises his eyebrow, “Spencer and William are upstairs and are probably not coming back down for a while,” he raises his cup up to his lips and takes a shy sip.

                “Are they?”

                “Totally”

                “On my birthday too”

                “Can’t fight the feeling, I guess,” he shrugs his shoulders, “it’s alright to be scared, ya know”

                “I’m not—“

                “It’s alright, Ryan. Everyone gets scared. But you’ve got the rest of your life to decide these things. Enjoy your birthday, and be a kid for once, instead of someone who used to walk around like an adult in a young adult body. You’ve been through a lot of shit, you grew up really fast. Don’t worry about the future is going to bring, just be in the moment”

                “I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Something to happen. The last time I was this happy everything blew up in my face. What if that’s going to happen again?”

                “Don’t worry about the what ifs for now. Just to try to finally _live”_ He gives me a wry smile, and claps me on the shoulder. His sneakers squeak on the way out of the pool room and into the living room.

                Living is a hard thing to do, even with Brendon and my new friends. And living has a different meaning to everyone, but maybe I’m finally able to start for once in my life no matter what could happen in the future. I’ve got my new family backing me up, and I can’t wait for my life to finally start, no matter if me and Brendon break up, or if we live the rest of our lives together.

                It’s time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the last chapter. I told you that you wouldn't like it.   
> I'm leaving the rest of the story up to you.   
> You decide what happens with Brent, and Brendon's parents.   
> It's your story now. 
> 
> Huge thanks goes to anyone who has stuck through my story through all of this.  
> I promise you that my next story (Firewall) is completely different, and much more planned out.   
> Thank you.


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